Thursday 19 May 2011

Epic tales from a woman on the edge.......

Today is Thursday, it's taking a long time to get to the weekend this week. I think it's because tomorrow the other three angels go get tested for BRB,  for Bilateral Retinal Blastoma. Whilst I am positive the news will be favourable, my inner pessimist will not pipe down. Maybe this combined with the news that my sister was finally copied into the correspondence between hospitals ( The first time we feel let down) it turns out the partial retinal detachment is actually FULL and there are more tumours than she was told. so, even though I know it is no excuse to bring your private life to work and one must remain professional I committed that heinous crime yesterday. I lost the plot and shouted. Big style.

Remember EC is Eyebrows Child - the one who told me he could make static electricity with his eyebrows, told me to watch and waggled them at me for five minutes.

EC has been particularly difficult to manage since the SATS.  Indeed the whole class have totally gone off the rails after the SATS. Despite the fact that lately no what they would call 'real work' lessons have been done. Instead they've had  'fun' tasks to do:  the Cycling Proficiency afternoon; the brilliant  Design Technology Workshop,where with  JUST sticks and elastic bands we created trusses, tetrahedrons and eventually bridges; PE with the fantastic Sports Coaches, which is always fun. They were still utter rule breaking, rude ratbags.
So, not a "boring" lesson in sight. One would think that children would be happy, sunny natured and well behaved at such an opportunity . I would have RELISHED days like this at school. ( Actually, my inner geek is saying you UTTER LIAR!!!) Anyhoo, we are studying the Water Cycle as part of our Wicked Water mini project and we are jointly creating a brilliant display full of arty stuff all done by the children.

Sooo...some of the children were making the main title out of collage using old Argos catalogues. PORN ALERT - A girl brought a page to me clutched to her chest and hissed this is RUDE. O yes...( I would have inserted link here but the site is down) she'd discovered the ADULT GIFTS PAGE. Hang on - it's in my pocket - I shall go get it to explain what you can get. Who knew we'd have to censor the ARGOS catalogue?

Right, those of you who can get to a catalogue it's a double page spread ( Hahahaha) ( sorry...) 280 - 281
The first thing that pops out of the page visually speaking is a MASSIVE pair of boobs. It's a Stress Chest retailing at £6.99, just in case you can't work out for yourself what to do there is an accompanying photograph of ( what is clearly a man's hand ) squeezing one!  Then you notice the page has the strap line Naughty Novelties... so Jelly boobs and Jelly Willies, chocolate strip poker game, Kama Sutra biscuits, Liquorice Whips, marshmallow willies with chocolate dipping sauce and a pack of kama sutra playing cards are on page 280 for well under a tenner each. Page 281 steps it up a little.... for just nine of our English pounds and ninety nine shiny pennies one can own an executive ball's a novelty hand shaped scratcher in a posh silver PRESENTATION CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Kit. Hands up - who wants one?!
Also in a Posh Presentation case a Gentleman's Willy Care kit which includes such mind-
boggling items such as a fluffing brush. WTF do they use that for? A Sprucing Mirror styling shears and EVENING WEAR! It's looks like a small charm bracelet. I HAVE to google image this....>>>
Other items for sale include a Kama Sutra Modelling kit complete with illustration of a lrge breasted woman laying legs akimbo naked on a bed whilst her gentleman friend is stood behind her ready to "go" with his eyes almost popping out, a bar of soap with the word ARSE inscribed on it and a grinning fat man robot who will drop his pants and " pull a moonie" on request. Hilarious.

Just another joy filled episode in class!

EC and his GROUP were given the task of producing child friendly fact cardsabout The Water Cycle to go on the display. I explained what they were to do. Yes, they had a table full of beautiful text books to look at and they had to find out stuff for themselves ( gasp, shock, horror - yes I expect children to use their brains, discover  for themselves ) and produce a card for display.
I say a lot in class, don't worry about ( insert correct word here ) it's just the posh word for ( insert commonly used easy to remember word here ) I then let the children know how grown up it is to use the correct word and most of them accept the challenge and increase their vocabulary accordingly.
So my " What A Good One Looks Like" card had on it

POSH WORD = Precipitation

Then a little cartoon picture of a raindrop.

MEANS = It's just rain!

 Simple flashcards I wanted them to do. Each child was given a word and off they went....EC was given Condensation. He eventually brought me his card. On it, a pan of boiling water with a wordy explanation copied straight out of the textbook  of how boiling water in a pan in the kitchen produces steam that , when hits the big mirror in the bathroom, it goes back to water. ( I had helped him by asking what did he notice about the bathroom mirror after a bath or shower- so I am glad he listens to some things I say) however, it wasn't in context with our display which is what I wanted! ( Also, I would not be eating at his house if steam from the kettle in the kitchen condenses on the bathroom window! )

So he was sent back with the words " Make your card about the the water cycle, that one on the wall, where, after  the water has evaporated up from the sea to the clouds - tell us how has it made the clouds....... I showed him the page in the book where to get the information. He tutted, muttered O My GOD and sloped back to his seat. After a while he brought me back a card that said...

" condensation comes from when the water evaporates off the leaves in the Borneo rain Forest and travels to the mountains in the Alps where it condenses. "

  I just sighed. I took him to our display and calmly ( ! ) whilst jabbing my finger very hard onto the display to underline each word gently asked...
EC.   SHOW.   ME.   WHERE.   THE.   BORNEO.   RAIN.   FOR.  EST.   IS.   ON.   OUR.   DISPLAY!

I was just about at that losing point. Although I think I kept it well hidden.....

I then said please sit down and asked him to do Salt Water instead.

So he set off on the  job of explaining Salt Water, again he  had  a lot of quality help from yours truly, for searching and rescuing the information from a BOOK. ( This GOOGLE IT generation have no chance ),  found out that seas and oceans are formed when fresh water flows down the rocks collecting salts and minerals from the rocks. That's why they are salty.

He bought his card to me. I was smug in the knowledge that I  finally had one I could hold aloft like a prize trophy, triumphant .

NO! Don't be bloody stupid Miss Radiostar... his card said...

there is approximately a lot of salt in a wave.

His one saving grace was he'd used the dictionary to spell the word approximately. However,  no capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.

SIGH   I looked him firmly in the eye, replied mostly calmly ( Ok I lied )
" WHERE DOES THE SALT IN SALT WATER COME FROM? I think my colleague was worried I'd start frothing at the mouth!
He looked nervously back replying that it comes from when the fresh water flows down the mountain washing salts and minerals out of the rocks till it gets to the sea.

Give me strength! I enquired why he hadn't imparted this fabulous knowledge onto a flashcard to share with his classmates he shrugged his shoulders! My heinous crimes today were yelling at the kids in class. Doing that "if you shout the facts more slowly and more loudly they will understand" thing,  I might have been heard to delicately whisper... NO!      A CUMULONIMBUS    IS       A        RAIN          CLOUD            A       CIRRUS        CLOUD       IS        THE             WISPY          ONE!!!!!!

Dear readers I think you should pray for my sanity today and the safety of my charges! I think it'll be OK I barely have Y6 today. I go to the sanctuary that is Y1 for most of today where the children sit and listen, are eager to learn and to please and do exactly what you ask them first time of asking!

I LOVE my job!!!! 


  1. my tears from laffing produce a lot of salt... does that count

  2. So much like my past teachiing career, I couldn't help but laugh.Just think what an education you have been given courtesy of the kiddoes! How kind of you to share it with us!How old are those kiddoes?

    If there's a "Willie Grooming Kit, do you suppose....?

    p.s. Thanks for the rain you sent. We had a storm last night that netted us one inch and a smidgeon more. The garden thanks you, too!


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