Friday 27 July 2012

Crime - Does it pay?

Well, petals, I shall let you make up your own minds. My mind, however, is firmly made up.

 The answer of course is YES.  Here is why.....

Yesterday I said a LOT of truly less than wholesome words. I said them out loud, I said them on Twitter, I said them on Facebook, I said them to my Dad, I said them in my head,I said them to my sister, I said them to my friends, I said them via text.

If I had a swear box, I'd be bankrupt. There could have been a Royal event on with all the King This and King That going on.

A beloved follower of Twitter remarked that my TimeLine portrayed an accurate picture of today's broken Britain and the ultimate  words Jeremy and Kyle were also mentioned.

The reason for all this outrage?

Yesterday morning, early, Mr Radio set off out the door to go to work. I was still in bed pretending to be asleep - although I had been woken to find a work shirt and some toothpaste. To be honest I was not fussed at this point if he went to work in my dress with manky teeth! I think four days of none stop, grey, damp drizzle had got to me.  He then called to me in less than dulcet tones.

Some bleeping bleeping thieving bleeping bleep had nicked the bleeping wing mirrors off our car. The car is parked right outside our house. For Bleep's sake.  So the free for all swearing commenced. Now I know swearing is not big or clever but somehow it satisfies my soul to use bad language for bad people.

 I absolutely detest burglars. How bleeping DARE someone touch OUR things. They'd only took the mirror glass.  Some people may think I am over reacting. There are worse crimes.

WHY had they not gone out and just BOUGHT some mirrors if they needed them? You know, like NORMAL people do. NORMAL, law abiding, honest, LOVELY ,NORMAL people.

 I was incandescent with rage. I was FURIOUS. Beyond vexed does not cover it.  Mr Radio left for work under a similar black cloud.

 Earlier this year some scrote had wrenched off the wing mirror to get the nice silver back for their car. He is still on the look out for it. I then had to get a new black one and have it sprayed to match the car. Why did I not just scour the streets for the one I wanted ?  I called the police out to it then.

So when I reported it to the police yesterday morning, I was called a repeat victim! I have never been called a repeat victim before. I know people who don't bother reporting things like this. But why not? Yes, admittedly,  I already knew that I was never going to get the perps brought bang to rights, but I wanted it on record. I have a crime number.   It's my third crime number. The first one?

Swirly music, swirly mists, swirl your arms as we travel back in time  - I shall use italics AND a different colour for added dramatic effect.

Oohhh this happened years ago when my babies were small - but I can still get rankled to fever pitch thinking about it now. What happened?

Some TGBs  nicked my white patio table and chairs out of my back garden, that's what. Now those of you who know me well, know that my garden is MY garden and it's MINE and everything in it is LOVED. This was a lovely white plastic set of a round table and four chairs, given to  me us by Mr Radio's Dad. The table had a wonky leg. The chairs were quite distinct.

At the back of my house is a LARGE plot of private land that had gypsy caravans on them. I do not like these gyppos that live near me. I have many friends in the Travelling community but most of these at the back were absolutely lawless, hideous, scummy, loud ,obnoxious bleepers.

( Can you sense my dander is getting up?! )

I was up early with the children and drew back the dining room curtains. I walked away from the window, then had that, something wasn't right moment. I went back to the window - the table and chairs were not there. Unbelieving I opened the back door to have a proper look. Nope nothing.

 My friends laugh at this because, enraged, I actually stood in my garden and shouted

I rang Mr Radio at work who had to tell me to calm down! This was my first experience of a crime being committed against me! I have led a charmed, sheltered, naive life!  I rang the police. They were really lovely!  One of them asked me if I wanted my furniture listed as solid oak for insurance purposes?! SERIOUSLY! I declined his lovely offer though. I am so Law abiding it's untrue.

I am one of those people who are so scared of the police and being arrested I never put a foot out of line! I told the poilce that I hoped these people had scalding hot drinks on the table and that I hoped it collapsed on them as it had a dodgy leg. How DARE they climb over my wall and help themselves to MY STUFF????

A few weeks later, looking out of the window into the wastelands of Caravan City - what did I spy? MY CHAIRS. They were distinct. I rang the police again and reported my findings! They said they would call round! They did, the lying criminals claimed they were theirs and were given time to produce proof of purchase. Those chairs vanished the next day. Never to be seen again. I rest my case.

Swirly swirly etc
ANYWAY back to yesterday's trauma.

So the Policelass came round at 10am. I say lass, as she was approximately 13 years old.
She took mine and Mr Radio's  name, date of birth, job description, inside leg measurement etc. Probably to run checks on US! It's a wonder I wasn't fingerprinted. She took the details of what happened. She asked me was I friendly with my neighbours. I might want to ask them if they saw anything suspicious. She gave me her details so I could contact her with any information. So basically I had to conduct my own door to door enquiries! Also I was told, I think she thought I was a mad old bint, that there would be no forensics because of the weather. I am not aware of the fact that fingerprints wash off in the rain. BECAUSE I AM BLEEPING SURE THEY DON'T.  I think my mirrors were stolen to order!! By a well known to the police criminal bleeper.

However, clearly my paid up on time BY OURSELVES OUT OF OUR hard earned  WAGES council tax does not cover this. Off she popped to her next appointment with the promise of an email with a crime number. I was extremely 'RAAAARRRRy ' for the most of the day.

So crime has paid so far, someone has got ( MY ) mirrors on their car. Unless I have it all wrong, and it's the magpies - as pay back for all the salutes I give them.

Crime pays BIG STYLE.

In my professional life I have dealt with people who have been in  and out  of prison. They live in nice houses. They have massive flat screen TVs ( I don't - mine is one of those Sherman Tank Sized ones that will NEVER get stolen, because the noise of the crane and fork lift truck the burglars would need to remove it might attract attention.), they go on holiday abroad several times a year ( I don't - can't afford to ) .  They wear the latest fashionable trainers etc. Many are on falsely claimed benefits, cheating the system so professionally, driving round in brand new cars. A lot of money is drug related. Imagine my false smile plastered on my face as I had to share the happy news that one skanky scrote was out on licence, having achieved several vocational qualifications inc HGV licence and fort lift truck driving and free brick laying and plumbing courses at college. Paid for by effectively , US.  I know one was released with a couple of grand in wages accrued in Prison and given a job on the Council.

This individual hadn't done a paid day's legal work since leaving school. The conviction was for dealing crack cocaine - thus ensuring countless lives had been ruined. They were also ready to sell their puppies from their vicious breed of chav dog for £200 each. Hmmm I wonder if they are going to declare this to the tax man. It's OK petals, because I did. Not that anything was done about it.

Now then when Mr Radio was made redundant , you know from his poorly paid job, he got the statutory £65  a week for Jobseeker's allowance. He was allowed. ALLOWED, to look for work in his line of skill ( You know a good, honest, properly time served carpenter and joiner ) for two months. After this he had ( and would have too ) accepted anything. After six months, all benefits would stop because I earn too much. This too much , by the way, barely covers the food bill every month. We had no help with the mortgage etc. He looked into retraining and getting his HGV licence. There was NO HELP for us. It would cost over £1000.  Jobs at the Council? No chance.

THIS IS WHY IT MAKES ME SO MAD. Bleeping scum of the earth drug scum had it handed to them on a PLATE.

Thieves should lose their sticky fingers. Drug scum should lose all rights. Life should mean life. Rehabilitation my BLEEP!  Everyone is born the same with the same choices. Break the law or don't. If you choose wrong then you should be punished.

Who was punished yesterday? Oh yes, that's right.US. Policelass advised not to drive the car as we could get pulled for lack of mirrors. I kid you not. WE have to find the money to replace afore mentioned mirrors. I think I might get ones with razor blades fitted to the backs. ( I would then probably be successfully  prosecuted and sued by the next person to help themsleves )

As I said earlier, I know you are free to make up your own minds. Please excuse my rapid exit. I have just had an email from a Nigerian Uncle I didn't know  I had. I just need to sent him my sort code,account number and PIN so he can send me my inheritance! Perhaps my luck is changing after all!  First thing I will buy is a flat screen TV!

Have you been the victim of crime? Does crime pay?

Wednesday 25 July 2012

Cake at last for my 18 at last girl!

Finally I have time - time to faff on the computer and time to upload photos onto computer so I can show you lot.

It's day four of my six week break and the weather is grim. And so it should be. By definition. I know Darn Sarf they are basking in glorious unbroken sunshine and blue skies. Here it is grey, drizzly and rainy. Ugh.

So it is a pleasure to sit and think of the day when my precious first born made it to adulthood remarkably unscathed. Mission accomplished.

She asked for two cakes. She does not like icing and requested a chocolate ganache covered cake. I was happy to oblige because we have loads of  family and  friends who would be only too willing to polish it off.

Now then, I am going to say something now that will make all you Domestic Goddesses cringe, curl up your noses and cast me off into Cakey Coventry. 

What Crime Have I committed?

Because I had little time ( full time working is a REAL Time User! ) I used........


NB: I DID NOT MAKE THIS CAKE! It is merely for illustration properties!
( Amazing what you find when you type cake scream into google images! But I thought this summed up the moment perfectly )  ( Also I do not know if the above cake was made by a packet mix or not )

Ok - if you are still here - I love that you are not a cake snob! The packet I used was top quality and it makes truly gorgeous cake.

They have not in any way, shape or form sponsored me to say this but I LOVE YOUR CAKE MIXES ,WRIGHTS. I will endorse you from the rooftops. Pay me in cake ( mix ) I don't mind! I bought mine from BOOTHS ( another gorgeous place ) . ( I am going to '@' these folks into my shameless blugging on Twitter later. Blugging = Blog Plugging.

Go see for yourselves!

The best cake mix EVER  The best Supermarket EVER

So I decided on a square chocolate fudge cake for Chloe, and a traditional madeira fondant sponge for everyone else! Tins prepped and off we go.

I used my trusty Lakeland Plastics silverware tin with its dividers. It was hideously expensive, but worth every penny. I hand drew out the 18 template to be used later.

This is one pkt of the fudge cake and two of the maderia.

This is the square fudge for the non fondant iced cake.

After cooling, there was a joint parental effort in using the template to carve out the cake. Here it's been sandwiched and covered in its base layer of buttercream. that's a 12" square board. It was a big cake and it needed a big knife and a steady hand. It was midnight.

The square cake was given the same treatment then they were carefully wrapped in greaseproof paper to await final decoration the next day.

 This cake was covered in chocolate ganache ( HOT cream onto COLD chocolate - never EVER mix this up - I did - it's not pleasant to have one's ganache split ) and decorated by sticking Cadbury's chocolate fingers round the edge - securing with string till it was all set and tipping bags of Cadbury's chocolate buttons all over the top. I then tried out the new iridescent spray to make it all shimmery, some silver ribbon round the bottom and a little silver 18 on the top.That little silver '18' was 40p! Daylight flipping robbery!. Anyway it was soon  finished. Simple cake, simply decorated but quite pleasing to the eye I think! It was ooohed and aaahed at accordingly! This needs storing in the fridge because of the fresh cream.

 Next, even though it was the crack o dawn, I set about playing with the new set of three different sized butterfly cutters I'd got. I used flowerpaste for these as it is easier to work with and sets harder than just normal soft fondant. Using crumpled up greaseproof and kitchen roll I set them at jaunty angles. I dusted them with shimmery colour and decorated them with little beads and sprinkles. I, ladies and gentleman, could do this all day long. These were the first ones I made, and quite rushed as it was fast approaching 8 am and I did not  want to miss the birthday girl opening her presents.

 I covered the cake with Asda's own soft fondant icing. I can't make my own anymore as I burnt out my beloved Kenwood Mixer's motor making some years ago. I coloured some icing pink and decided on just using flat circles to demark the '8' rather than cutting holes. My royal icing was far too runny. I'd run out and even the emergency icing sugar dash to the shops Lisa did for me wasn't enough. so sloppy shell border it was. Time was marching on. I started attaching butterflies which were no where near hard enough - so as you can see I used a blob of sugar fondant paste to hold it up!

The 18 sparklers were fun. They just didn't light together! Time taken to make these cakes from start to finish, probably about 5 hours.

I was finished in time to witness the opening of these! Happy Birthday Darling Daughter xxx

Saturday 14 July 2012

Preemie Patterns anyone?

I am STILL on with the last sock but I am itchy fingers ready to start something new. My something new is...
for my friend's little baby. I say little because he was born incredibly early ( an amazing 15 weeks )  and he is still in  hospital ( now a month old and fighting for his little life every single day ) .

Mum and Dad are doing so well and they have a HUGE amount of love from all around them. I asked would they like me to knit for him( for when he is able to come home and wear clothes - being in the incubator right now he has no need )  His name is Arthur.

SOOOOO any of you lovely knitters - I am in need of patterns. Or good links to either FREE ones or downloadable cheapish ones.

Old fashioned or modern I don't mind. 

Also keep little Arthur close to your hearts for me too. Cheers. x

Friday 13 July 2012

Friday 13th - updated a little bit - I WANT your superstitions!

I wrote this back in April. Everything is still relevant today! ( Will I trot this out every Friday 13th? Yes probably! )  Basically, I want your superstitions please. I may try some out. I find the best ones came from the black n white days of yore that your Granny will have told you. Please share.

Are you superstitious?

I like to think that I'm not. After all, I am expecting..

OOOO I was cut off mid sentence by the

knock on the door of the person I was expecting! My hero aka Mr Dishwasherfixerman. The nice one.

He took apart my machine and found what is hopefully the problem. Yes Les n his mate had fitted the new parts - I never had problem with that. They simply hadn't wired them back in! Something that I think an electrical engineer, working on an electrical appliance that requires electricity to make it go would check! So he reattached the wire then reprogrammed the on board computer to my machine. This consisted of lots of holding the buttons in in different combinations whilst he squinted at his laptop screen to check he was doing the right thing! He finally altered my salt settings. Which was very kind of him!

So ... it's now purring nicely and I m waiting, biding my time, before I go to check if it is heating up and the water is HOT instead of ice cold!
I have his mobile number! He is only round the corner! I have been instructed to call him if all is not well! So....those of you who are superstitious and those who are not, cross your bloody fingers for me that when I go down in approximately 13 minutes time - warm water is present.

Sooo Friday 13th.

Lets have a quick round up of common superstitions my Nanna taught me.

  • NEVER EVER EVER put new shoes on a table. I have no idea what dreadful demise this causes because I have never ever put new shoes on a table.
  • Ears hot n itchy? Then people are talking about you. Left for love and right for spite.
  • Palms hot n itchy? It is money. Right to receive ( yay) Left to leave. I am pretty sure I have the world's itchiest left palm.
  • Never cross anyone on the stairs. and if you meet someone - they have to go up - you NEVER EVER go back down. The devil is probably waiting for you.
  • Spill some salt? - Then throw some over your left shoulder.
There was one about dropping cutlery on the floor but I can't recall it fully. But it was probably linked with a long, slow death.
  • Do not walk under a ladder.
  • Do not walk on mirrored floors. (I LOVE THIS ONE)

The black cat one I was never much good at. Did it HAVE to cross your path in order for you to be lucky? I have pissed a lot of cats off on this one - always getting in their way.

I had some Chinese customs that interested me in the 90s when everyone went Feng Shui bonkers. I say some - I actually meant one. It was the money behind the front door lined up in order of value which was supposed to welcome money into your home. I was always nicking it for my bus fare and the milkman so it did not work.

And my particular favourite that Lisa and I both do - and when we are in the car together we do it simultaneously - synchronised Magpie Saluting!.
If I see a lone magpie - one for sorrow - I have to salute it and if I am alone I will say out loud, good morning/afternoon Mr Magpie/. If in company I ALWAYS say it in my head and always get asked
"Who are you waving at?"

So Lisa and I were off in the car somewhere and we both must have seen the same magpie because we both used our left arm to salute him. We then laughed as we noticed what we'd done and we were both then discussing how our men folk always ask the Who are you waving at question as we were doing this we both spied a magpie on the other side and in pure synchronisation we saluted the bloody thing with our right hand! It made us laugh a lot!
It's quite good arm exercise for me at the moment because we have a lot of magpies round here but they rarely are seen together!


11.06am - WE HAVE HOT WATER!!!! Um admittedly most of it was on my kitchen floor. I am confident this is not supposed to happen! I called Dishwasherfixerman to say we have heated water but it's not going to clean my dishes unless I spread them on the floor due to the fact that it is  leaking now - which we didn't have before! But HUZZAR for the hot water!

SO that was April. July is here and I think I am because I follow all of the above. But I would like some new ones to try!
What are your favourite superstitions? I might just adopt some of them! Be lucky folks xx

PS. I have also copied and pasted the comments from the original post
 a) because I can and
b) because it makes me look popular!

Fast forward to  February Friday 13th 2015. Trotting this post out AGAIN
A) because I can and 
B) because it reminded me of my lovely Nanna 

Any more superstitious folks out there? 

Friday 6 July 2012

Cake - a sneak preview

I found this picture on google especially for Mrs Thrifty! " Caked up the the eyeballs "

I am fed up with myself blogwise! I have zillions of posts whizzing around my head but ZERO time to give at the moment. The end of term is always knackering. Yes, that IS a scientific word. Play rehearsal, sporting stuff, reports, assessments etc etc so by the time I get home I just don't want to look at another computer screen.

I also desperately miss reading all the lovely blogs that I'm following - you know the ones - proper blogs done by proper bloggers!

I have ten more work days and then I shall be FREE to blog away to my heart's content - by then of course I will have NOTHING interesting to say. People on Twitter who I chat with must be heartily sick of my none stop whiney weather whinges!

But to prove I did make my daughter's Birthday cakes - here are two of the photos I have managed to transfer to the computer!

Must go gee up my boy. The ONLY child I have still at school. The way that makes me feel is almost unbearable. I only have one child at school.

Hopefully I still have some followers and readers - I am so sorry I neglect you all. It is not intentional!