Saturday 31 December 2011

Today, I cut my finger

Today I cut my finger,
Off twas nearly sliced,
I'm not telling how I did it,
Or how near death I diced.

Tuesday 20 December 2011

Back to my story of cars, cancer and failed Christmas prep.

It's 8am, I have much Christmas stuff to do. Mainly wrapping. I've done NOTHING with fancy paper and lost rolls of Sellotape.
I write this blog after finally making it out of my bed Mission Impossible stylee. Are you ready? Dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum ( please in your mind make these words like the MI theme tune)

*********pausing this blog post for EFFING itunes/iphone to to what they need to do  because I am finally getting my photos onto the computer...I bet it screws up somewhere. Watch this space. ****************

Ok, where were we. right it's now 09.16 and I will re begin. ( I have been sat on my arse in front of the computer for well over an hour now! )

The reason for the wait is that for the first time since I got it, I have plugged my iphone in to my laptop. It has gone CRAZY with updating madness. Total updating gridlock now. Apple started the update wars, Yahoo snuck it's sticky beak in. My dear old Russian spy Kaspersky chums are doing the U word and I just bet my friend Eryn ten quid that Windows wants to get in on the orgy too.

Fact. Computers do my head in.

Right, now my photos have finally uploaded I can show you WHY I was all sweaty Tom Cruise this morning! ( Right off you go with the tune - dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum  de ne duuuurrrrr)

The reason for my early morning Mission Impossible of getting out of bed is because I have no escape route. It is currently being blocked off by Christmas presents. Carefully camoulflaged by a bath sheet and my dressing gown.
The blue is my quilt, the rest of the space between my bed and my wall is being taken up by presents. We have a queen size bed; I, as most of you know, am not queen sized! So this morning it took a lot of army commando stylee crawling, roly polys, getting entangled in the quilt, bum shuffling and EFFORT to get out of bed!!  Why I bother to hide things is purely for me - I like to keep the magic alive. However, the kids are that used to piles of crap around the house they don't even notice.  Plus,  being teenagers - the F C magic has dimmed for them a tad - how very DARE they grow up on me like that, behind my back,  heck, they don't even DESERVE any presents!


Today ( if I ever get off the computer ) is going to be a wrapping marathon day!

Ok back to my near death on the M6 adventures.

For those new to my blog; please find the Harry posts. He has to go to Birmingham's children's hospital every few weeks.  If I am off work I go with Lisa on what I call our mini City break. We wish we didn't have to go at all. But she usually comes to pick me up and then we wait at her house for the hospital taxi to collect us for the journey to Brum.

I got up and faffed about packing. The HG took my precious offspring up town. Three minutes after they left,  I got a text message from The HG that said, and I quote " It's so fucking slippy."

I think, dear reader, that was a slight underestimation. In the history of under estimations this was

epically slightly under!

Have you ever experienced Freezing Rain? I'd never even HEARD of it until today. Proper freezing rain is lethal. Google it!

Lisa then texted to say she would see me about 11 O' clock

"got to get Dad to help me get car from bottom cos it's a bit icy" .

( A BIT ) har har little did she know - then a short while later...

"Dad stuck near my car. Today aint boding well."

It was serious boding stakes!

Read what happened to her here  Lisa tells us about the day.

See what Freezing rain is like now?

Finally she got in touch to say she was coming to Mum n Dad's and could I get there to meet her?

Sure I could. I had my sturdy walking ultra grippy boots on and off I set.

Off I set nearly onto my back side.

Thank goodness my neighbours are lazy gardeners and I could cling on to their unruly hedge hanging

over their garden wall for grim life till I got my balance. ITV won't be contacting me anytime soon

 their Dancing 
on Ice programme. Have you seen wildlife programmes where ducks, penguins and the like are slipping all over?  Are you sure in your mind now how slippy I'm talking? On a scale of one to slippy it's akin to that bit in  Home Alone where cheeky rascal Macauley whatsisface freezes the step and the criminals slip on it big style. That bit of the film makes me LAUGH MY PANTS OFF! Just incase the video clip doesn't load - watch the Home Alone bit here
Only I wasn't laughing now.

Right, now it isn't a very long road at all and not far to my mums. I am not lying when I say a two minute walk took me about 15 - 20 minutes.
Part way down I thought I'd walk on the road as it was *bound* to be less slippy. I gingerly took steps literally MILLIMETRES in length to the safety of the less slippy road......

WRONG! Black ice, was waiting for me. Black Ice, white ice, freezing rain. I do not *hike* it as Madeleine would say.

So I stood, wobbling like a Weeble, thinking what the flipping heck do I do now?? I heard a noise. Carefully turned round to see that

A car was  heading towards me from up the road. I was in the road. In slow motion I tried my bestest to get off the road, somewhat difficult as I was by now walking like Penelope Pitstop running, ie in splits, unsucessfully on the road. How I didn't end up performing that last section of Bolero but ON MY OWN ( damn you Christopher Dean ), laid out flat on the floor, arm outstretched, look of anguish on my face, I'll never know! Still on the road, I slammed into and clung onto someone's parked car hoping they weren't looking out of their window at me!

I thought I'd better get off the road and back onto the pavement. I eased my way round the car
towards the kerb. The pavement has a camber, ( posh word for slope ).  I could not get up it! I tried to let go of the car and put my foot on the smallest incline in the world. My foot moved backwards. I tried the other foot. It too, moved backwards. It was ridiculous !! I was sliding back towards the road. On the plus side I could now moonwalk, something I've never been able to do. I turned sideways and sidestepped up to the top of the pavement using my suitcase as leverage. The summit of the pavement  is probably about three inches higher than the kerb ! Once I came to a stop I stood still for a while , I was actually out of breath and beginning to think I'd have to stay here until April and the thaw.
I texted Lisa.

" Ice rink here, car wheels are not turning, they are just sliding " just as I hit send , the car I'd been *getting out of the way of*  glided past, screeched it's brakes on and gracefully slid and slammed into a parked car!!!

It was like I was in an episode of Carry on Icy Death Inevitable.

I'd made it to the corner of the street trying not to laugh as the owners of the parked car emerged from their house  running, then almost too late realising that SHIT IT IS SLIPPY , as they hit the deck, well driveway.

Then finally, because of the the lovely iron railings on the garden walls of the corner houses, I was able to cling on for dear life and go round the corner. I was taking it a railing at a time. I heard another car come from behind me and I heard a "hello."  I managed to pry my now frozen to the iron railings fingers off so I could wave at my friend in the car  who'd wound down her window. She said she wanted to stop and give me a lift but she couldn't!!

Not because she was in a hurry.
Not because I was literally 100m from my destination.
It was because, she actually couldn't stop!
Her car wheels were not turning, but she glided past, serenely, like a swan on a lake, only narrowly missing the double parked car situation that was going on!

I rounded the corner and then

On my Dad's street the Sun hits the road and there was hardly any ice at all!!
It was really very, very bizarre!!

Lisa arrived and so did the taxi and with that we were off. ( Really, go back and click the link to her side of the story! )

The motorway was for once, eerily empty and it was a quiet, straightforward run.

Till we were drawing up alongside where the motorway splits off for a toll road.

And it's here I will now attempt my Jillsmo esque illustration - though I think I should have just gone ahead and commissioned her instead. Unbelievably, it is more difficult than it looks when one just has a mouse and not a fancy pants drawing pad thingy.

In trying to find a photo to help with my images I have now spent a fascinating TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES looking on this site Interesting shit about motorways ( I am NEVER going to get my
wrapping done ) it's nearly lunchtime!

Anyway here is what happened.....picture one

Please note the LACK of any car within our vicinity on the right of us.


In the car we were all ( except Harry ) stunned! 

Note my lifelike hair - grey roots, brown hair and old black dye, very sparse because it's been falling out. The driver was amazingly calm ( but only on the outside, he told us later ) and Lisa with the curly hair was a bit cross! Harry just carried on gurgling!
I handed out some mints because I think we needed the sugar!!

The rest of the journey was interspersed with silence and OMGs as we relived what just happened.

We got to the Hotel, quickly decamped and went to meet Harry Mosely's mum, but  I will tell you about that tomorrow because I have WRAPPING to do and have been yakking on the phone for ages , and blogging this story for you.

Please comment and say hello - have you ever slipped spectacularly? Where is the slippiest place you've ever been?  I am buying some crampons. 

APPLe update is killing me

Grrr I am losing the will to live.

Near death misshap on the M6

I write this blog after finally making it out of my bed Mission Impossible stylee. Are you ready? Dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum ( please in your mind make these words like the MI theme tune)

*********pausing this blog post for EFFING itunes/iphone u because I am finally getting my photos onto the computer...I bet it screws up somewhere. Watch this space. ****************

Monday 19 December 2011

Snuggles with Harry

I tried to do this on my iPhone, but I can't add the very cute photo I wanted to post. Harry is gurgling and babbling away very happy, seemingly unaware that in an hour will will be at the hospital for another EAU.
Last time I came with Lisa there was no new growth in his eyes. But last time he had 8 new seedling tumours which I think makes them sound like they are supposed to be cute.
They are not cute, they are evil, sinister little bastards.

Lisa and I just had our pot noodle esque porridge! Quaker oats are blinking marvellous. Oat so simple golden syrup flavour just add boiling water mmmmmmmm delicious! Poor Harry is nil by mouth bless him x
I'll try again to add a photo, if not, I'll sithee next time on the computer!
Love from Birmingham xx
Tried to add the photo off my fb twice now, it says it's done but I cannae find it!!

Monday 28 November 2011

Just a rambly old post & bad news

Just as I started this post, I had titled it 'Stuff what makes me laugh'
I renamed it Just a rambly old post & bad news.
Here's the bad news.
I just had a text from Lisa that made me not want to laugh. At all.
It said.
" 8 new ones. Grrrr. Back in 3 wks. Effin brb."
Now for those of you who might not know, Lisa is my little sister. Her youngest Harry has got Bilateral Retinal Blastoma. This filthy cancer is slowly but surely robbing him of his eyesight and we are all fighting, hoping and praying that it will not rob us of little Harry. He is the sweetest little cherub ever. He has already been through really nasty chemotherapy  with a couple of life threatening related line infections and every four weeks  he goes to the fantastc children's hospital in Birmingham for Laser treatment. Well 8 new tumours is not funny. it means that whilst they will have zapped them ( I have yet to chat to Lisa to find out the details ) it zaps a little more of his precious eyesight. AND I am sure he can see a little at the moment from my times when I have been playing and snuggling him.

Come on universe give the little poppet a break.

So now to some of the stuff I was going to prattle on about.  ( the rambly old post bit. )

Well after going through

I can now understand why my innards were a bit hurty. My tummy button area especially! Also it would explain the fingerprintesque bruises all over my abdomen! I shall spare your eyes this grotesque scene! I am now two days off my three weeks anniversary since it was done. The pain and discomfort however were NOTHING compared with the jaundice, itching and life threatening pancreatitis I ended up with! I often liken myself now to a sprightly ninety year old. In my head I can do alsorts but it takes me a week to climb the stairs!

Actually that's a lie, although I am recovering slowly I am becoming a bit more mobile everyday. However I still am greatly over estimating what I can and can't do! Afternoon naps are a must! I am building on my strength and I WANT to be back to work after Christmas! That is only a period of six weeks, - it seems like a long time and I am sure it will be plenty but my DR and everyone keep insisting that I have had a very hard time!

I say thank god for my eary onset dementia because I have forgotten most of my misery already!

Ok a bit of lightheartedness. I so love a good laugh. Yesterday I was crying real laughter tears at some of the things I was reading on here WARNING - only click if you are in full control of your pelvic floor muscles


I want to type a big long line of hahahahahahahahahahahahahaaahahahahaas! I know I am not alone in my love of this site but maybe one of you hasn't seen it yet!

Going to publish this now. Not as lengthy as I had originally planned but I will aim to be back tomorrow with something proper and decent to say.

Here is a poem that really makes me laugh. Everytime I read it. No it's not the hilarious
Listen To Pam Ayres .
It's this one.
A Beautiful Winter's poem.

Winter , Dear Winter,

Fuck me it's cold!!!!!!!


Thursday 17 November 2011

I've won an award!!!!

Ok ok ok ok ok I'll admit,here favouritism might have sneaked me past the winning post but read all about it  

Cue big fan fare - oooo if I wonder can I add music?!

I'll be back soon to blog properley about my gallbladder. Whom I am now divorced from!!

I won an award ! Yippeeeee!!!!

Tuesday 8 November 2011

Resisting the urge to

  •  look up chloectomy on You Tube
  • keep googling 'hair loss' - it will not make mine stop falling out and it will not make it grow back any quicker
  • just run away and hide - crap legs and hips make this nigh on impossible right now
  • get back into bed - My friend is calling for lunch
  • rob a bank ( this would involve leaving the house)
  • whinge and moan to all and sundry - i bore myself with it!
  • clean the kitchen floor - I resist this urge quite a lot and do it easily
  • eat more of the delicious marshmallow squares I made last night
  • to go for a shower ( ewww I know, but the heating isn't on, it's chilly, it makes washing and it makes my hair fall out
  • write a decent chunk of bloggy stuff! - I do keep having good ideas - then I totally go off track and forget them.
What are YOU resisting right now?

Monday 31 October 2011

Happy Halloween

Hello to my dear sister in law Michele if you are looking in - please follow and COMMENT! Then I know you've been here! Hello to her sweet daughter Bexx too :) ( you know how the commenting thing works! )

This week I am going with my new friend Laura, who I met in hospital, to see our mutual friend ( also met in hospital) Lena, who sadly has stomach cancer. She is utterly beautiful and sweet and so lovely it makes my blood boil that this awful disease can just strike anyone it likes.

Harry's visit to Birmingham wasn't as smooth as we'd hoped and it's so unfair. Lisa writes about it HERE

On Wednesday I have my pre op assessment.

NB: If you are new to this blog my OP is to have my gall bladder out - not a sex change - which is what I thought of when I wrote the words 'PRE OP'. I'm laughing at my own jokes now!!

It says I am to have an EEG or something, well although my legs are a lot stronger now - I'm not sure how much treadmill action I can take!!

Thursday I am back at my GP for a different blood test because my hair is falling out at an alarming rate. Hmmm what's worse? Being bright yellow or being bald? I'm not sure! - I had already self diagnosed the cause - major illness and blood thinning drugs - but my doc wants to test for thyroid and low iron so my veins will be attacked again.

That'll have to do for now . I can't think of anything remotely funny or witty today. ( Except the transexual bit)

Bye for now :)

Thursday 6 October 2011

I'm going to have a go at something technical..

But beforeI do I need to dry my hair - I am sat here with hairbrushes stuck out of my head at jaunty angles! Why do I start one thing n flit to another?
Hairbrushes set at different angles now...

If you've read my sister's last post  HERE  you will know all about my mini city break because that's what I am calling it. This is due to the fact that since July 1 st  2011 the ONLY places I have been so far have been medically related. I cannot stress to people that I really have been nowhere and done nothing at all whilst I was yellow. I cannot get over how long it is taking for me to recover too. It is now four weeks since I was discharged from the hospital and I still have not been out on my own!
The trip to Birmingham - which by the way is a truly inspiring place - consisted of me being picked up from my house by Lisa in her new car, then being picked up by the hospital taxi from Lisa's house and after two hours chatting on the M6 being dropped off right outside the hotel! Up in the lift to room 516 and we flopped on the bed for an hour before gently strolling into the town centre.

Hairbrush break .....

After a slow hunt for flip flops and a very welcome sit down in ( adopt French accent here to read) Baguette Du Monde - Lisa had cheese n ham, I opted for the low fat chicken salad no butter. Out damned Gall Bladder.

We made our way past the fountain that I wanted to put my feet in, back to the hotel where once again I flopped on the bed totally knackered! We then ventured into the bar to meet Liz, one of my bestest chums and we rocked the night away on two lime n sodas ( me) , two lime n lemonades ( Lisa) & two diet cokes PLUS the greedy mare - a smuggled in packet of Weight Watchers snacks ( Liz) !!
Then guess what, yes, the party animal in me flopped on the bed totally knackered! In the night it was a pleasure to cuddle Harry for agggges. It was horrible to listen to him cry the next morning with hunger then it was a two minute walk round the corner to the HOSPITAL.

Such a wonderful place tinged with such awfulness.

ANYWAY I am going to try to insert Harry's page properly on my homepage, instructions kindly donated by The Chicken Father so if it all goes horribly wrong then I willl blame him!

Pause for hairbrushness

OK, Hair is ad done as it ever will be. Here is Harry's page incase my link thing doesn't work.

Harry's Page

Chloe has done so well and I am incredibly proud of her, I know she will have raised over £700 by the time we've collected all sponsorship money in. I cannot believe how generous people have been. If you are reading this and have donated then I thank you again from  the bottom of my heart.

Before I go try the tricky bit, I am off to see the surgeon tomorrow at 3:40pm. I have no idea what he will say or when I shall be booked in to rid me of this dratted gallbladder but fingers crossed for me it's good news. I am fed up of being ill - although I am much better and a lot less yellow than I was!

This was taken at the Muse gig I was at in the photo on my home/profile page :)
I DID IT! IT ONLY TOOK ME THREE MINUTES!!!! I am considering myself to be a technical genius!

Monday 12 September 2011

Well, a tentative return to Blogland...

No thanks, I do not want to try to updated Blogger interface right now. It's taking maximum brain power to fire up the laptop and sit here and write.

I will fill you in on my medical journey through hell, just not today. I was in hospital, life threateningly ill, and now I'm out on the long slow road to recover enough to have another operation.

I think I am definitely less yellow - though at the minute look and feel like a death hag from hell with the most twiglet like legs you will ever see on a fat person. Lost a lot of weight, but none from the areas I needed to most. FFS life you are one cruel bastard.

I caught up on Lisa's blog and made a few comments and over next few days I will do the same with everyone elses. I'm not up to full humour speed yet either.

That's it for now Blogland - see you soon xxx

Thursday 21 July 2011

It goes from bad to worse

Hey folks - I am sorry you have been neglected.
I am still bright yellow and the Jaundice means I CBA with anything, I am restless and can't fcus or concentrate on anything. The main problem is the sleeplessness. I am only getting about two hours a night and that is broken. It is sould destryoing to wake up and look at the clock and it's only minutes past midnight. I HATE it. The itching is driving me beserk. I hate that it's the holidays now and I can't do anything. My rushed through Specialist appointment is on Wed at 9am - for the love of GOD pray she gives me a solution.

However, my problems pale into significance when I tell you that Harry had to be rushed to Manchester after developing a bacterial infection in his central line. Septacaemia. The good news we are clinging oonto is that is temperature is under control, he is on three targetted antibiotics and as of today no new cultures have developped. Its a killer for my sister as she is over there on her own, with the other three left at home. I was way too sick to go see her and him when she was in our city hospital.

I spent 4 hours in A and E on Sunday with my 17 tyear old daughter who tripped over someone's bag at school and dislocated her knee. Fracture clinic tomorrow and we anticipating a full hip to ankle cast.

On Saturday Mr Radiostar's belloved Nanna slipped away and died after years of residing in a home growing steadiily weaker and weaker - she didn't recognise him for years - its so sad. Even though she was 90, it's still a sad thing.

THEN I find out my Dad will have to go into hospital to have a hernia repaired and a lump removed off his leg ( nothing sinister ) but  still...
My mum broke her tooth so an extra dental appoitment for her.
 Man I must have done something really bad in a former life I tell ya. When will it end??????????????????????

Friday 15 July 2011

What news will today bring?

I've been backk n forwards to the Drs, had a scan - shown a gallstone and await further news. In the meantime people are bringing me flowers ( I HATE flowers esp big stinky old lillies) what an ungrateful wretch but these people do not know me, clearly. I think they are only coming to have a look.
I think I shall reopen my house today as PT Barnums mysterious circus. - I am THAT yellow.
I sneezed - even my snot is yellow.

But my ailments are nothing when you consider our little Harry who is just toooooo cute! He made a shop lady cry yesterda. She came over to coo into the chair and said awww has he been poorly? My mum said , he has cancer and she cried. She said O I am so sorry, that's just so sad and she had to run off to her staffroom to compose herself. Poor lady - I peered in at Harry and mock scolded naughty boy making that lady cry and he just laughed!
But it's not a laughing matter - treatment is going well, except he isn't putting weight on and he is soooo tiny but he still has cancer. I cried a bit too yesterday for him.

Back to me now - THE NONE STOP ITCHING IS DRIVING ME OVER THE EDGE. I am a mess of red weals all over my body. I am yellow and red stripy! Like some mutant tiger! Phone appt with the doc at 11:00amish...Ill let you know........................
I am hoping for a skin transplant,  O and longer legs :)

Sunday 10 July 2011

The Itchy and Scratchy show

Welcome to my life. Itch, scratch, itch, scratch - it's relentless - the scratching deosn't cause more itching like the normal cycle. No that's my liver doing it all by itself.
Just now foreheah, left side of neck and both palms are itching LIKE MAD and when I go to scratch, somewhere else will crop up.

Iim sorry I havn't blogged properly but I am way to restless to settle to anything. On a good note the BRAT diet I am trying to observe has worked and I'm not having any waves of GB pain.  My upper abdomen is still tender to touch - but if I don't touch it, I don't feel it!!

Back soon
Now itchy right shoulder blade lower left shin

Tuesday 5 July 2011

Well I didn't die ...but it sure as hell feels like it.

I was right, I got an emergency doc appt and she confirmed my diagnosis.
Dear sister drove me, Willybobs was most entertaining in the waiting room as there was an automatic door that made a sshjuuzzing sound. He put on his sly I'm not looking at you so therefore you can't see me face and tried his best to inconspicuoulsy tiptoe out of the waiting room!! It was comedy genius. That boy is way cleverer than his 18 months! He recognises the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,& 6 and he has his colours and shapes to pat! Also there were some leaflets in the waiting room on contraception. He'd picked this up and was studying it.
" Daddy" he said, which made me smirk as I thought yeah Mr Super fertile you do need that information, but infact he's recognised the NHS badge that his daddy has on his uniform! Smart bot. Takes after me.
So the doc siad I am jaundiced. Think my yellow eyes and yellow supertanned skin gave that away , and my nut brown pee. ( TMI?)
tried to do this but it didn't work

My gallbladder is inflamed, stones are blocking my bile duct which is making me jaundiced. Everything is swollen and tender and pushing up against my diagphragm. So blood tests next Tuesday ( the nurses are ill) and wait for a scan appt so see size n severity etc but gallbladder will have to come OUT! In the meantime if I get worse I have to go back. Only trouble is, she didn't define worse and I think I have a high pain threshhold.

I hadn't eaten since Friday so last night's feast of two small jersey royal potatoes ( sans le beurre naturellement) went down like a couple of hot potatoes. Like lead balloons and I made a conscience effort not to sick em up.

They made it through the night. Unlike me and  the INCESSANT ITCHING OMFG  - the soles of my feet, the top of my head, the palms of my hands ( my nanna's sayings would be going into overdrive) . I gave up at 2am and tweeted away to my dear sweet American chums about digestives ( which I can't eat now!)

So eventually,  it got light and I got up and made the kids their lunches and had a handfull of dry cornflakes and a slice of dry oatmeal toast with jam to take with  my tablet, a pint of water washed it down. Really gone off hot drinks since I sicked up the last one.  I came back to sit in bed upright to try to doze off and was just doing so when some motherfucking twatface dickhead in India decided to ring me. FFS. So...
here I am sat upright at the laptop about to do my online grocery shopping to Tesco as I have a free £10 voucher !

I need some more Bonne Mamman jam. I know it's three times the price of the shop's own but it's like L'Oreal jam. OOO I have raspberries on my plant - not uploaded yet but I will, alas I think i need more that 6 berries to make jam.
Till later,
Yours in A LOT of discomfort,
Rachel whineyarse Radiostar xx

Sunday 3 July 2011

Technical term "Uuuyak"

I have been sick now for two and a half days - it all started Friday lunch time. I know I should probably go to the doctors - I have self diagnosed gall bladder/stones and I am a wuss. So I am sipping iced water and moving alternatively between lying down standing and sitting, sofa, garden, bed. It is totally pissing me off now though.
So I prob will check in with a doc.
I won't bore you with any more medical drama - but if i don't blog for a while it's cause I died!!!!

Missed my beloved Lancashire Hotpots gig last night but my lovely friend who went got them to RING me on the phone so I spoke to them!! One of them asked me if it was top or bottom!! And did I want some chips!!!!
Unfortunately I had to decline given my pathetic disposition. Wish I could describe how I felt - it's achy, nautious and weird. Hmmmm. Give em a listen - they are FAB!!!!

The Lancashire Hotpots - Chippy Tea - Glastonbury 2011

Thursday 30 June 2011

I predict a pretty much stress free working day today

This is because the majority of the teachers at my school are in the NUT and they are ON STRIKE over pensions or something. I haven't really been taking notice. As a HLTA am I a public sector worker? Do I need to be worrying? My colleague said that the proposed cuts to her pension will cost 250K. I was like YOU WHAT?????????????? I can't believe they'll get so much! I really am thick as the proverbial pig droppings where stuff lke this is concerned.

Now I get my pension statements every year and I get a few. Because I have held a few roles in the school. I then file them away. I don't even understand the notes the send to help you understand it all.
This is what my Unison Person says
"This week, on behalf of the public service unions, I am leading discussions with the government on pensions. I have said all along that I want to reach a negotiated settlement, avoiding strike action all together. Our members – loyal public servants – want to keep services running.

But for this to happen, the government must commit to real talks – with contribution rates, retirement ages and the move from RPI to CPI to calculate pension payments, all on the agenda for genuine discussion.

We give our full support to our brothers and sisters in PCS, NUT and ATL, taking action on Thursday over pensions – their fight is our fight – and UNISON will be taking part in demonstrations up and down the country to support them. Our advice to school and college staff is clear – do not cover unless it is part of your job.

And I send support to our members taking action on the same day in Camden, Doncaster Birmingham and Southampton, over job cuts."

I can't be asked to cover as we have no children in! So will get shitloads of admin crap done.

Interesting Grown Up Stuff About The Strike Here

 I know you can't tell, but I've just been ages reading up on that stuff , was looking to see if I will be affected! I dunno - I probably will be but I FULLY support ALL of my colleagues in their action today. The Government cannot make people worker longer to get less and expect to have it accepted laying down.

Just found the calculator thing.
IF it does apply to me and I think it surely will I will pay more and LOSE a LOT of money.
In shock.

But my outlook is what will happen tomorrow is I may get hit  by a bus so I am living for today. Too much tradgey in my family learnt me that lesson.

Besides I might win the lottery ( and will probably get hit by that bus as I am on my way to collect my winnings)

Just noticed that an error occurred while saving so posting now!. No am copying now then posting!
 Think this is my first grown up ish post!!!

GRRRRR BAD ERROR ???????????????// Will paste and save on word for later

Monday 27 June 2011

Back again to update you on Harry..

It's all good news - well as good a news as you can hope for at this stage after a particularly gruelling 2 weeks.

Read about Harry here

Also I need to go change my profile info but pesky work beckons so once again I amm putting off fully completing BlogWork!

Sorry for being such a shite read!

Well new Blog Title, New Decade,

Happy Birthday to meeeee!
 I had a WONDERFUL birthday weekend, and when it came down to it, I wasn't even that arsed about turning the big 40. It's all a load of (tr)hype created bythe media and Hallmark et al.

I havn't been on the computer for a few days, I havn'y  ( Please read this typo with a S
cottish accent)taken photos of prezzies yet but I will and I'll show you just what a spoilt brat I really am!

I did drink some Chenin ( mmmm) some Merlot ( MMMMMMMMMMMMMM) and then some limited edition purple WKD ( MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM)

Lovely it was too. Fell asleep with Brigette Jones on the sofa once all revellers had departed and Mr Wonderful Radiostar tidied party debris all away! 
Today is my first working day as a forty year old. I wonder if it'll be any different!!!!!

Tuesday 21 June 2011

Ever had your negative emotional energy sucked out of you?

I have, every day. By the class. Today,  an educational phsychologist had told me this is what the little darlings are up to! I am there favourite toy and they are winding me up and watching me go!

I hasten to add I have been on a SEAL course! I haven't been sent for therapy/treatment!!!
It's been a really really good day. Julie Glynn is a truly inspirational speaker and has told me all that I am doing is WRONG!! Anne Desforges is the other lady whoo is fucking A star top banana. I WILL come back iand fill you in in a bit - for now my troops need feeding!!!

Sunday 19 June 2011

Less than a week to go now...

...till I will have to alter my Blog name...
And A la Mr Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

Friday 17 June 2011

This time 17 years ago I was 3cm dilated!

And that's as far as I ever got. Two weeks over due. Induced. I'd read my books. I'd got to 3cm without it hurting. I KNEW first baby was 1cm an hour, it said so in the books.  I was going to BREEEEZE through this labour.

It didn't say in the books you might not ever get past 3cm. Every time I was checked....3cm.

I'd pestered the midwives to bring Mr Radiostar in from 6am! I was eager to have this baby. It had been due to arrive on June 3rd. I got up June 3rd - nothing happened. I imagined Braxton Hicks ( I might even been guilty of pretending to dearly beloved family I was having them) I wasn't!! I wouldn't know a Braxton Hick if it jumped up and bit me on my arse! I was also the size of a small bungalow. I promise I will find the picture that proves this! )  So all those people who were asking me,  knew full bloody well that I
"hadn't had that baby yet." ( Some people are so TAPS) ( DON'T THEY REALISE THAT ON THE 3RD JUNE I'D DUTIFULLY TURNED UP AT THE HOSPITAL FOR MY APPT AND BEEN TOLD TO COME BACK IN TWO WEEKS IF NOTHING HAPPENED???????????? EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I SAW ON MY WAY HOME HAD A NEWBORN BABY IN A PRAM YET MINE WAS STILL ON BOARD!)   TWO WEEKS - it was like being told to come back at Christmas. I was hormonal and emotional. They asked me if my fingers and toes had been swelling. I lied and said they had. They were too good at their jobs. They recognised a liar when they saw one!!! They still sent me away!

Ok Ok 17 years on and I am still touchy about this.

So in the interim two weeks I went every where and everywhere. I spent a MASSIVE amount of time in Marks & Spencers ( I even jumped up and down behind the lingerie section) because I'd heard that if your waters break in there you get loads of gifts!

I went further afield. I went with my cousin and an aunt to a shopping centre out of town 30 miles away. We went for a cup of tea. I couldn't fit in the tables/fized chairs combos so had to have a chair brought from the kitchens for me. Even the shame and embarrassment of that did not bring on labour.

So there we were, Mr R was eventually allowed on the ward about 10am. I had my ( how can I put this prudishly) induction medication introduced into my system.
Then we waited. 
Christ it was boring!. I sat and did puzzle books. I had a bit of back ache but thought it was from sitting cross legged on the bed. Hourly obs - 3 cm. They sent us for a walk...but NOT off the ward. 100 million laps later ....3cm.

Then just after 12 noon ( I could see the Town Hall Clock from my room) my back REALLY started hurting. Mr R was rubbing and rubbing my lower back. He rubbed soo hard on my brand new M&S dressing gown his hands went all shiny and he was complaining he couldn't do it any more.
DO. IT. was hissed to him through clenched teeth. Two hours of this and contractions every 5 minutes now ( Thanks Town Hall Clock) .....3cm.
 I was told to have a bath, I paddied, I stropped, I didn't want a bath. Struggled on with pacing the corridors ( we weren't allowed to do stair walking sideways- it hadn't been invented yet!)

Back was hurting so I gave in and had a bath - the bath was wonderful, deep and warm and nice. I was in there for 2 hours. They were knocking in the door wanting me out to check me. I wouldn't get out! They opened the door and TOLD me to get out! How rude...I had no clothes on!!! Get OUT!!!

I'd seen it on the telly, it satisfied my prudish ways. Women give birth fully clothed complete with knickers and tights on.

Men, if you are squeamish, look away now and don't read this next paragraph.

I got out of the bath like a bull elephant rising from the river. I spotted the blood...that was it, I was dying. I got dressed. ( I was going to die fully clothed thank you very much) I took the  blood soaked towel, held aloft like a trophy and wobbled up the corridor to the nurses station. Walking the three miles up the corridor passed all the visiting dads and nurses bringing the meal trolley to the nurses station, I was crying and kept stopping because my back kept hurting. ( Why I hadn't, like a NORMAL person, rang the bell from the bathroom, or just retired to my room and call for a nurse I don't know! I do know, the nurses were busy and I didn't want them rolling their eyes and saying OFFS when I rang my bell)  I wasn't thinking. I was HURTING. CONTRACTIONS REALLY DO FUCKING HURT! But I was like my sister was. quiet. didn't scream or moan. I cried quietly a little bit.
I'm just wondering now should I have called this post " How a Victorianised Prude gives birth
When she was having her second baby mutely she heard the midwives whispering outside her door wondering if she was a Scientologist. They didn't whisper that about me, because it hadn't been invented yet.

 The midwife gently guided me back to my room saying I'd had a "show."

OH NO I HAVE NOT LADY I was thinking grimly to myself.

I have READ my books thank you very much.

Anyway, I was examined....and yep......3cm
But now the contractions were coming thick and fast and I could hardly get my breath plus I was getting tired. Remember, I had been admitted at 8pm the previous evening, examined and been found to be 3cm already, was told to get a good night's sleep by the smiley lady. A good night's sleep? No way - I was 3 cm, it hadn't hurt, a cm an hour , I was going to be having a baby in 7 hours, I was WAY too excited and giddy.
They conceded and took me down to the labour ward as I needed help with these pains. Clearly they weren't contractions because clearly I wasn't CONTRACTING!!!!! ( That's what I was rationally thinking.)

SOOOO , the last time I was examined, more midwives were in and mutterings were goin on at the end of the bed. I was given a Meptid shot. It didn't work. I felt like I was off my face and drunk as a skunk but I felt every single contraction. I wanted an epidural - I couldn't have one till my waters they broke my waters..... the rest is very blurry and MR R, bless him tries his best to tell me the story. I remember leaning over to have epidural. Then it was magic. The pain stopped.
Feel that? asked a midwife as the contraction belt reading scored off the scale on the paper. Feel what I smiled? So now I was tripping away high on Meptid having a lovely time. Then more Docs came in, worried glances at papers, mutterings at end of bed. I think I signed something. They tipped me back and was pricking me with a pin but I could feel it, the epidural was wearing off and they needed to get my baby out. It was in distress. Mr R had gowned up but was then told he couldn't come in as I was whisked away for an emergency C Section.

 9.54pm I had a baby girl. 9lbs 7oz of gorgeous babygirl. She had a cut on her eyebrow. When they opened me up, she was staring up at them. She wasn't going anywhere. I was 3cm. I was 5ft nothing with size 4 feet. I was the size of a small bungalow yet they said she wasn't a big baby!!!! They were WRONG!
We'd bought tiny newborn clothes. No way was she going to fit in them!
She was back to back, hence my back pain and long labour, also she was too big to fit through anywhere! Everytime she'd been squeezed down, she bumped against my cervix and bounced back up - she'd been doing this for about 24 hours !

I hate that my earliest memories are so hazy.  I love that she was so perfect and hate that it was 17 years ago today! My daughter is smart, clever, beautiful and amazing and I would do it all again tomorrow!

Thursday 16 June 2011


And now, nearly 4 hours later it it absobloodylutely chucking it down on my smugly pegged out at 5am washing???????????????????????????????????????? Only tea towels and odd socks - so on the line they can friggin well stay!

Wednesday 15 June 2011

Will it rain today? Of course it will, it's Sport afternoon

The non competative kind of Sports Day. ( I have actually sat here and deliberated whether that needs an apostrophe or not and decided not).

This splits parents into two camps. The Pushy Parent ( from now on PP) and The Right On Parent ( from now on B&L { Beans and lentils LOL private joke with myself}). Now, not one to sweeping generalise ever ( as if  hee hee) The offspring of the PP are called Kyran, Travis, Chardonnay and Paris . The B&L children have such monikers as Tarquin, Quentin, Jessica and Persephone.

PP children ( from now on known as CC = Chav Child) wear Nikeeee tracksuits, rockport trainers just like their 'dads' or 'uncles' except without the gold chain and obligatory leg tattoo of the football team they support - ususally Chelsea - we LIVE OOP NORTH YOU UTTER MORONS support an OOP NORTH TEAM FFS!
B&Lkids wear charity shop offerings or something knitted or woven out of old pairs of jeans.

Have to go but will be back to finish this later on!! I have to post it to remove the last one out of sight on my page - call it self preservation!

Tuesday 14 June 2011

Harry's needing some help.

Poor little sweet baby, He has to go have a feeding tube put in, ( did I already tell you that?) and now his illness is evermore visible - but also he looks so little and poorly and ill. A pale little shadow. So pale that tomorrow he has to go have a blood transfusion. Thank goodness for medical breakthroughs over the last 100 years that makes this now trivial procedure actually life saving.

And this chokes me up. Even though all this time I've been chatting away about cancer and chemotherapy, actually what is happening right now is my little nephew is really fighting to stay alive.How can one little feeding tube bring this home? His cental line is apparent as we can feel it and are careful of it when holding him, yet he has been so sweet and smiley and happy and just so content. I am really scared for him and don't mind telling you that as I type this in the dark, I can't see the screen for tears.  I have to be strong for my sister and her family. I am also having a wee weep for my little lost baby too. Sometimes life is just really REALLY shitty.

Friday 10 June 2011

"Please insert witty title here"

Been awake since 4am. Look like a old hag this morning - think Zelda off that kids programme  - I can't think of it's name  hang on ...Terrahawks ( thanks Google)
Think I'm gonna need a LOT of my No.7Intense Beauty Serum...

Harry is in Manchester. He had to go and have a feeding tube put in because he is losing weight and when you are only 13lbs to start with it's not good. Lisa had tried to no avail to get him to drink it down but it was becoming too traumatic for the both of them. At least this way he doesn't have the stress of having stuff forced into his mouth. But the photograph she sent made me cry...for the first time reality kicked the door down and he looked sooooo little and frail and poorly.

How is it that we have become kind of desensitised to phrases like, oh he's having his chemo, like saying Oh he's having his fish n chips for tea? It is necessary and we know why it's having to happening, but at five months old your day should be concerned with stuffing things in your mouth and rolling over on to your front then wining cause you can't roll back - and yes the wee man is doing all these things but he is tooo little and when you think of what his little body is going to and that bastarding cancer is doing to him it makes me very angry and upset.

**** Pause to wipe tears and blow snotty nose********


Yesterday I had a chair thrown at me, though the child said (of course) he didn't throw it at me - I just happened to be in the way I know , he knows and the Head knows, that's not true.

My five Y6 lads have mainly been great, well my core four really. The fifth never turned up on Monday and was late on Tues and Wed and just rubs them all up the wrong way.

One of the four was in a right old grump and they were niggling at each other all day - the bruha blew up over a piece of paper FFS I asked number 5 to leave to calm down, number 4 couldn't leave it alone and pulled smug faces at number 5 still argueing, I raised my voice and asked number 5 to leave again and as he went he hurled a chair ....towards me, and thankfully for him and me it collided with a desk in the way and didn't actually hit me....I didn't see him after that.

No doubt he will be back in school today and will apologise and you know what I want to cry for this boy because it's not his fault he is like he is. It's the one with the 14yr old sister who is a mum already and the brother who's been in PRU since the age of 6. It's his skanky, scrotey, foul, waste of space, thick as pig shit, lazy benefits scrounger mother and her drug addled lifestyle with "uncle after uncle" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR makes me mad and so sad for him, because he is a clever lad but I know he will end up inside. I know it. So today, I am going to be extra nice and understanding to him. I have 5 weeks left to try to help - yet I know already I am up against a brick wall...and you know what, this boy turns up day after day after day without fail because its the one place where he has routine and feels safe, o and gets fed.

Awww something just happened to raise my mood - my 16 year old daughter ( 17 next week) just came in and asked me to plait her hair for school! Even though I had to ask her to sit down so I could reach. Did I tell you I raised a couple of giants? Also the boy brought home a letter with the fabulous news he got all his first choices for his GCSEs.

Today at school we are going to take photos of the Fab Five and their great work and then we are going to make Tiffin which I will let them eat whilst the watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I am quite sad that the rest of the little shits will be back at one o'clock, apparently they have been challenging!!

Suppose I should go to the shop and buy the butter and syrup I forgot to get last night when I was in Asda. I was too busy buying vegetables in the whoopsed fridge. Bags of ready prepared vegetable soup mix for 10p. Yes TEN PENCE!!! I splashed out and bought four, two went in the freezer and two went in the slow cooker with two stock cubes and the smell is divine this morning!!! I will blitz it later. I also bought Spanish paprika potato wedges, cucumber portions and huge bags of roast Mediterranean veg.

Hopefully Lisa will beable to bring Harry home and will start to put weight on pretty quickly, if he takes after his Auntie Rachel it'll be a breeze!

Thank You for listening!!! xx

Wednesday 8 June 2011

Have you lot ever Tweeted?

I have just started to get into's a lot faster than facebook and somewhat more anonymous and following famous celebs of your choice is GENIUS and satisfies some deep down nosiness that I have. Bob Mortimer is HILARIOUS and strangely compelling is Richard Madeley!!

( Did actually say that out loud?)

The lack of photographs lately is due the fact I havn't figured out how to load em onto computer from fancypants iphone - but I have been snapping away...mainly at the little birdies who are eating me out of Nifer Seed and home! I know there voice and when I hear them peeping I get 3-4 minutes of gorgeous nature at work - these little goldfinches are STUNNING!

No work related angst...we have only been back 2 days ( angst ridden enough over that) and the majority of my y6 class are on a residential visit leaving behind me a wee group of six boys ( alll taller than me) .

We have gardened, planted trees, designed swimming pools and great structures to improve the school grounds, painted rocks and today they will assist the PE coaches all afternoon and this morning we have a rake of raspberries, blackberries and blackcurrants to put in. Friday morning I said we will make some tiffin and Thursday will be tasks of their choice. It's not their fault that they didn't go poor lambs, one genuinely didn't go, the parents of the others deemed it too expensive - which to be fair almost £300 for 4 and a half days it is....but EVERY SINGLE parent is a smoker, they have a car and these kids have every single bit of electronic stuff. O I tell a lie - one boty who was due to go was so badly behaved he was withdrawn from the trip. My heart soared when he wasn't in on Monday then sank as he was in yesterday - not with me for long, he was sent to the head after swearing in front of Y3 ( who I am babysitting too as the Y3 teacher has gone too) and sticking pens up his nose and snorting them out. This boy is lost. No amount of work we put in will change him now. He is as vile as his skanky parents who do not give a toss about him. His younger brother was sent to a secure unit school and his 14 year old sister gave birth to a baby boy.   Social Services didn't want to know when I claied he was being neglected...his toe and fingernails were like curled over talons and filthy. ( My nanna would say you could grow potatoes in em) he smells and is always hungry. His mother claims she can't get him in the bath....truth is he is online on an x box till 2am - we know because another problem child in Y5 tells us how they play zombies, Call of Duty and other such 18 rated games...but my thoughts on this will do another day.

My kids went to this place and had the week of their lives, the skills for life, comradeship it builds and a taster of independance is priceless. The school does operate a saving scheme and some of the children were eligable for hefty discounts due to a disadvantage fund - whereby here is my problem....why wasn't the disadvantage fund used to knock down the price for everyone - I also suggested some fund raisers to again knock down the price - but because it wasn't the person in charges idea it got no where.

Anyhow, I didn't think I had enough to fill a blog post today and look at how much I've waffled on!!!

My birthday draws ever close and then I will have to change my name!!!!

Friday 3 June 2011

When a comment turns into a blog post # lazyness supreme but I did it anyway :)

On my daily readng list is BRILLIANT BLOG

My beloved dishwasher is broken -

I know exactly what's wrong with it - I went to the library and took out the Dishwasher Manual book -

the heating element is bust...but I don't know how to get into the machine, and I can't get an engineer for love nor money ( because I know what is wrong, how much the parts are etc....)

so I await Finish's scientists to develop a cold water tablet as it goes through it's cycle perfectly well.

I am worried that my children are missing their most favourute tasks of emptying the dishwasher, I also miss the friction cause by Mr Radiostar stacking the dishes in TOTALLY wrong & his wee niggles at me for stacking it MY way!!!

When I bought it I spent as much as I could afford to go for an A rating on the energy scale and it was a water eco if anyone knows someone who can get into my Hotpoint safely for about twenty quid ( about 10 mins work) I'll be grateful!

I HEART my dishwasher I HATE standing at the sink! My children seem to hate putting the pots away more than the dishwasher!! Fortunately they still have the recycling to ruin their lives and yes kids " You DO have to do it, I think you'll find it's ME who does ev -er - reeee - thingggg" * Rolls eyes back atcha!!!

Wednesday 1 June 2011

Bloody love not going to work me...

Today I shall mostly be pottering, doing some good old fashioned bits and bots on nothingness just as I please. A visit FROM my sister and the angelics is planned, ( cue much snuggledom and cuteness)  a visit TO one of my oldest chums is planned ( cue much gossip tittletattle and cattery - all harmless of course) a hot steamy date with

my new iron. O yes it's purple. A bonus. Comes with it's own cover. 2.0mgs of steam pressure thingy whatever that is.
I night try it out today.
Knitting. Dear Daughters back is finished and the front rib. A new project. I also wanna try my hand at a bit of felting. so I have some old wool that I will knit into a bag and into the washing machine it will go with some dishwasher soap and some tennish balls..but I mustn't let it spin! Apparently.

Peas and cabbages need attending to as to my rhubarbs, which have protested at being moved by simply ..dying...I need to investigate what can be done...any helpers? I know what I did - I took them out of the ground ( Mainly because I was SICK AND EFFIN TIRED OF FRIGGIN CATSHIT from my neighbours cats in the beds GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) O yes indeedy, a sore point. I HATE cats because of this. I HATE my neighbours too for having them. SO teh Rhubarbs were moved into giant roomy pots, but I don't think they like heights or something, we've had one pie outta them and then they just collapsed and died.

O I fancy a batch of viennese biscuits too.
So in order to get (non) busy I need to get off my arse and DO it!!

Loving everyone's Blogs lately! Puts me to shame with mine!
Byeeee xx

Monday 30 May 2011

I made really good chips last night but I was healthy and had the jacket potato

Jenny Eclair says this is Menu Masochism.
You know - where you go to a restaurent, want the pie and fries and cake and order the grilled chicken salad, no dressing and fruit salald.

My potatoes were Cyprus. Big Cypruses at that. Bought from Barton Grange the poshest of farm shops.
I twicely fried em making them uber crispy and golden. I tasted half of one just to make sure they were cooked. I had a jacket potato - the Cypruses are really ghood at that job too!

I served them with some Sainsbury's outdoor reared pork chops - this meat came from  happy pigs, who regularly abseiled down the pituresque mountains of their happy environments, spending every day frockiling on their spongy chamomile lawns, basking in the dappled sunlight underneath their organically handreared ancient oak trees. Sainsbury's had trimmed the bone too so it looked like it was on TV and best of all as I bought them on the date they were due to go ff they were half price. They were sprinkled with sea salt and freshly milled black pepper and gently grilled to perfection!

Yum Yum . I also made home made rice pudding and a Sago pudding with yummy crispy skin on top so a million DG points to me!

I am so pleased it's half term. That's all I have to say about that. Off to do some knitting now and then I will pop my cherry with my brand new steam generator iron!! I am such a marketing man's dream it's unreal!!!!

Thursday 26 May 2011

Even Shorter, nearer forty

Yes, that is how I've been described not once now, but twice! So thank you dear sister for coining me a catchphrase, that, had I written it, would be awesome! It's very funny and TRUE!!!

Yesterday, the vilest child in the class, during circle time, the one who told me to eff off the day before, reported that his worst part about being in Y6 was having lessons with me.

To their credit, the rest of Y6 gasped in horror and disbelief that he'd said it. There was that silence where you hear a pin drop and a few nervous giggles who I will admit probably aren'y my number one fans either! I just moved straight onto the next child and didn't even acknowledge it!!!!

( Inside I was half laughing thinking "Well done you little git!!"  Half of me was fuming - not that he didn't like me - for that I am not arsed - I am there to help them get an education, not to be Miss Popular { whereas we have had staff in school who have strived to be the children's favourite, but have been a totally shite educator}but fuming for all the hours I have spent helping him and working with him when I could have given that time to another.) Of course, I know full well this is the nature of the game and yes, I will turn up again day after day to do it all again!

O dear blogchums, you would have been so proud of the way I held it together and didn't blurt out that the feeling was mutual, that he was a hateful, hideous, little sneaky snake, a compulsive liar that no one in the class liked.

This is all true. He has not one likeable redeeming feature. He is constantly smarming around, listening in to adults, sneaking round the teacher's desk and snitching on anyone about anything. His parents have bred this creature and I do blame them.

After the last time he had thumped someone so hard it bust their nose and told the lunchtime staff to eff off, his mother swarmed into school, he ...ran.... this 10 stone ten year old..ran weeping into his mother's arms where she  gathered him in like some grotesque mother hen, declared he wasn't coming back to this effing school ever. It's the shittest school and she will not have her son spoken to like he was a piece of effin shit to the head and anyone one else who was around.
Yes, she has that foghorn voice. She too is hateful.
This was all done in front of Vile Child, who was peeping out with a SMUG grin. He was swept away and we all did a silent cheer.( Actually , within the safe confines off the staffroom we did had a MASSIVE laugh.
Of course, because the school is so shit she sent him back the next day, no apology, no kiss my arse no nothing.

So now, he does whatever he likes knowing full well there are no real sanctions. (Please don't ask why he hasn't been excluded because those of you in Education will know it really isn't that easy and in the end it reflects badly on the school. I on the other hand would have no qualms about putting my foot up his arse and booting the little blighter as hard as I could as far as I could!  )

40 more work days till he leaves. I've been doing the thing he hates the most which is completely ignoring him!!!!! He always asks can he do this and that in a bid to be helpful, well NO VILECHILD you cannot, my patience has run out with you my lad!!!

I had a great day yesterday actually, I was in my element, I taught the class about the Human Circulatory System. I even found a rap song online about it which they LOVED. This followed on from The Water Cycle song I found too. It's the future. Everything I will do will be a song form! They liked it! They are good kids really ( except VC) and I will miss them. They are full of character and mainly they are comedy geniuses - they just don't realise it!

O well, off I go to see what today brings! It's my Year 1 day today - I LOVE them.

Tuesday 24 May 2011

A Brilliant day for GOOD news :)

My sister types it out so perfectly /\   she has all the latest!

The children at school are utter ratbags at the minute!

We had a visit from a magistrate today to do a workshop with them to explain how it all works and I guess to act as a deterrant! They had the children perform out a play where they acted out and read from a script just how it would go in a court!
EC sat on the sidelines. The other children were given the job of either the court artist ( As cameras are not allowed in British Courts) or a newspaper reporter. EC was a reporter. After twenty minutes or so I went to see how he was getting on.

He'd made a small notebook out of lined paper and was furiously writing away. I was impresssed. He said he needs a camera around his neck for outside the court and a jacket, hat and dictaphone. I asked him why he needed these things but he gave me such a look of utter disdain I almost flinched!!!

So I took a look at what he had written. I could not believe my eyes. Random words, all in capitals, no spaces inbetween.

It was actually quite chilling. WICKEDTEACHERGODISLOVEINSPIRATIONIDONTWANTTOIDONTWANTTO and other such ramblings. I have kept this in his file with his observations.
I also asked him why had he not done as he asked. He said I am just PRETENDING to be a newspaper reporter. Sigh. Silly me. Turns out he seriously thought we were rehearsing our end of term Y6  production !!!!
 A play where someone has committed a serious crime and gets sent to prison!

42 days is all I have to spend with this lot. TFFT!!!!!

I have had my hair cut. Quite short to how it normally is. The girls all made a fuss. ( This class isn't actually full on and harrowing ALL the time - we do have minutes of normality) O you look pretty etc...EC said WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HAIR. I ignored him! God I have to remind myself that I do love my job!

Thursday 19 May 2011

Epic tales from a woman on the edge.......

Today is Thursday, it's taking a long time to get to the weekend this week. I think it's because tomorrow the other three angels go get tested for BRB,  for Bilateral Retinal Blastoma. Whilst I am positive the news will be favourable, my inner pessimist will not pipe down. Maybe this combined with the news that my sister was finally copied into the correspondence between hospitals ( The first time we feel let down) it turns out the partial retinal detachment is actually FULL and there are more tumours than she was told. so, even though I know it is no excuse to bring your private life to work and one must remain professional I committed that heinous crime yesterday. I lost the plot and shouted. Big style.

Remember EC is Eyebrows Child - the one who told me he could make static electricity with his eyebrows, told me to watch and waggled them at me for five minutes.

EC has been particularly difficult to manage since the SATS.  Indeed the whole class have totally gone off the rails after the SATS. Despite the fact that lately no what they would call 'real work' lessons have been done. Instead they've had  'fun' tasks to do:  the Cycling Proficiency afternoon; the brilliant  Design Technology Workshop,where with  JUST sticks and elastic bands we created trusses, tetrahedrons and eventually bridges; PE with the fantastic Sports Coaches, which is always fun. They were still utter rule breaking, rude ratbags.
So, not a "boring" lesson in sight. One would think that children would be happy, sunny natured and well behaved at such an opportunity . I would have RELISHED days like this at school. ( Actually, my inner geek is saying you UTTER LIAR!!!) Anyhoo, we are studying the Water Cycle as part of our Wicked Water mini project and we are jointly creating a brilliant display full of arty stuff all done by the children.

Sooo...some of the children were making the main title out of collage using old Argos catalogues. PORN ALERT - A girl brought a page to me clutched to her chest and hissed this is RUDE. O yes...( I would have inserted link here but the site is down) she'd discovered the ADULT GIFTS PAGE. Hang on - it's in my pocket - I shall go get it to explain what you can get. Who knew we'd have to censor the ARGOS catalogue?

Right, those of you who can get to a catalogue it's a double page spread ( Hahahaha) ( sorry...) 280 - 281
The first thing that pops out of the page visually speaking is a MASSIVE pair of boobs. It's a Stress Chest retailing at £6.99, just in case you can't work out for yourself what to do there is an accompanying photograph of ( what is clearly a man's hand ) squeezing one!  Then you notice the page has the strap line Naughty Novelties... so Jelly boobs and Jelly Willies, chocolate strip poker game, Kama Sutra biscuits, Liquorice Whips, marshmallow willies with chocolate dipping sauce and a pack of kama sutra playing cards are on page 280 for well under a tenner each. Page 281 steps it up a little.... for just nine of our English pounds and ninety nine shiny pennies one can own an executive ball's a novelty hand shaped scratcher in a posh silver PRESENTATION CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Kit. Hands up - who wants one?!
Also in a Posh Presentation case a Gentleman's Willy Care kit which includes such mind-
boggling items such as a fluffing brush. WTF do they use that for? A Sprucing Mirror styling shears and EVENING WEAR! It's looks like a small charm bracelet. I HAVE to google image this....>>>
Other items for sale include a Kama Sutra Modelling kit complete with illustration of a lrge breasted woman laying legs akimbo naked on a bed whilst her gentleman friend is stood behind her ready to "go" with his eyes almost popping out, a bar of soap with the word ARSE inscribed on it and a grinning fat man robot who will drop his pants and " pull a moonie" on request. Hilarious.

Just another joy filled episode in class!

EC and his GROUP were given the task of producing child friendly fact cardsabout The Water Cycle to go on the display. I explained what they were to do. Yes, they had a table full of beautiful text books to look at and they had to find out stuff for themselves ( gasp, shock, horror - yes I expect children to use their brains, discover  for themselves ) and produce a card for display.
I say a lot in class, don't worry about ( insert correct word here ) it's just the posh word for ( insert commonly used easy to remember word here ) I then let the children know how grown up it is to use the correct word and most of them accept the challenge and increase their vocabulary accordingly.
So my " What A Good One Looks Like" card had on it

POSH WORD = Precipitation

Then a little cartoon picture of a raindrop.

MEANS = It's just rain!

 Simple flashcards I wanted them to do. Each child was given a word and off they went....EC was given Condensation. He eventually brought me his card. On it, a pan of boiling water with a wordy explanation copied straight out of the textbook  of how boiling water in a pan in the kitchen produces steam that , when hits the big mirror in the bathroom, it goes back to water. ( I had helped him by asking what did he notice about the bathroom mirror after a bath or shower- so I am glad he listens to some things I say) however, it wasn't in context with our display which is what I wanted! ( Also, I would not be eating at his house if steam from the kettle in the kitchen condenses on the bathroom window! )

So he was sent back with the words " Make your card about the the water cycle, that one on the wall, where, after  the water has evaporated up from the sea to the clouds - tell us how has it made the clouds....... I showed him the page in the book where to get the information. He tutted, muttered O My GOD and sloped back to his seat. After a while he brought me back a card that said...

" condensation comes from when the water evaporates off the leaves in the Borneo rain Forest and travels to the mountains in the Alps where it condenses. "

  I just sighed. I took him to our display and calmly ( ! ) whilst jabbing my finger very hard onto the display to underline each word gently asked...
EC.   SHOW.   ME.   WHERE.   THE.   BORNEO.   RAIN.   FOR.  EST.   IS.   ON.   OUR.   DISPLAY!

I was just about at that losing point. Although I think I kept it well hidden.....

I then said please sit down and asked him to do Salt Water instead.

So he set off on the  job of explaining Salt Water, again he  had  a lot of quality help from yours truly, for searching and rescuing the information from a BOOK. ( This GOOGLE IT generation have no chance ),  found out that seas and oceans are formed when fresh water flows down the rocks collecting salts and minerals from the rocks. That's why they are salty.

He bought his card to me. I was smug in the knowledge that I  finally had one I could hold aloft like a prize trophy, triumphant .

NO! Don't be bloody stupid Miss Radiostar... his card said...

there is approximately a lot of salt in a wave.

His one saving grace was he'd used the dictionary to spell the word approximately. However,  no capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.

SIGH   I looked him firmly in the eye, replied mostly calmly ( Ok I lied )
" WHERE DOES THE SALT IN SALT WATER COME FROM? I think my colleague was worried I'd start frothing at the mouth!
He looked nervously back replying that it comes from when the fresh water flows down the mountain washing salts and minerals out of the rocks till it gets to the sea.

Give me strength! I enquired why he hadn't imparted this fabulous knowledge onto a flashcard to share with his classmates he shrugged his shoulders! My heinous crimes today were yelling at the kids in class. Doing that "if you shout the facts more slowly and more loudly they will understand" thing,  I might have been heard to delicately whisper... NO!      A CUMULONIMBUS    IS       A        RAIN          CLOUD            A       CIRRUS        CLOUD       IS        THE             WISPY          ONE!!!!!!

Dear readers I think you should pray for my sanity today and the safety of my charges! I think it'll be OK I barely have Y6 today. I go to the sanctuary that is Y1 for most of today where the children sit and listen, are eager to learn and to please and do exactly what you ask them first time of asking!

I LOVE my job!!!! 

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Replying to comments x

Dear Sister - smart price beans - even though they are the nicest, they  are more spendy at the minute because they only sell them in individual tins. Branston Beans work out 25p a tin if you buy 4!
Dear Helene - I have packaged up some rain and it's on it's way!! Actually, we have had bush fires in April due to the uncharacteristically hot dry weather. Quite scary stuff for this little country, where we are used to just watching the terrible fires burn in other countries.
As you get to know me Helene, you will understand that I am an advertisers dream - I am swayed by what I see. I am far too trusting!! My best friend in America also mentioned mustard is on offer a lot - surely that's because Americans eat a lot of hotdogs!!!! ( Just teasing :) )  The TV program made no bones about the hard work these women put in, hours a week. But if they are not spending on food, they don't need to eat!!! There was a woman in Texas at it. She had a HUGE garage with her stockpile and it was god as all the teenagers hung around her home, keeping them off the streets and they could feast away! They had other stuff as well as mustard!!! Also I think these people must be highly intelligent and ordered of mind - I am too much like my sister!!!
I have only cooked rabbit once, but couldn't bring myself to eat it - poor little bunny!!! I don't mind sinking my teeth into cute ickle lambs or piggies or moo cows !!!!!!! I am infact frightened of cows, they are vicious, wild animals.
I have no idea what "jar" meals are ....but I'm listening!!!! I cooked a ham in the slow cooker overnight and it smells divine...should I have some for brekkie??!!!!

I will be back later to relate the tale of EC and how he came to me and said I just went to her to complain about you because you didn't like what I'd written and what I wrote was the truth...... stay tuned.......O and for the hilarious way he was testing my lip reading skills. He came to me and said " Can you lip read?"  I said I could ( almost instantly regretting it as he prepared to test me ) ......

Sunday 15 May 2011

Posting cheatstyleee

One blog I read religiously is Moschops. It's great! I feel a certain kin with her! Hope she doesn't mind me linking her in!!

I liked my comment so I copied and pasted! I facebook, I 'LIKE' stuff a lot!!!

"I sit and read this with my heating on! Never before in the history of May has my heating been on so late in the year - the only reason  was to dry crucial work clothes for tomorrow ( Do the shake and drape = less ironing!)
I saved £350 today switching gas/electric suppliers - get yourself on it's eye opening!!! Spring clean your bank account - I was just headed to bed but am on a high after watching " Extreme couponing" on the discovery channel. A woman totted up $1000 at the till, with coupons ( pronounced over there as kewpons) about a fiver!!! I kid ye not! I want to do it."

I rarely buy anything at the supermarket unless it's on offer but these Americans put me and our country to shame. I am very careful about what I buy to start with and already am making cutbacks as that midweek 'nip' to do a small trolleys worth of essemtials that used to be £40 are now about £70. I can't seem to get it any less. I wouldn't know what to do with all the money I saved from shopping for food. That's an outright lie of course. Thanks to my intermittent insomnia I regularly 'win & spend' set lottery amounts. ...speaking of which I dunno if I told you lot this already - it may have been on the post that blogger ate ..but I signed into my email account on Thursday to be greeting with an inbox message of 'Dear Rachelradiostar, we have exciting news about your ticket you bought for the draw dated Tuesday 10th May'. I nearly had a coronary and couldn't click the link fast enough. A WHOPPING £4.30 was nestling in my lottery account. Hmmmmmmm.What to spend it on......well, I put £2 on another ticket and have the balance to do with as I please - no begging letters, but ideas welcome!!!!

Miserable wet Sunday in May and a bit of a book review ( slagging off more like)

I HATE the weather. I HATE this miserable grey horrible overcast wet weather. I hate the fact I can't get my washing dry. I CANNOT STAND this weather. Everything is damp and everything is like a damp squib. I've even left my crucial operations post as Tom Hanks goes to his certain doom up in space. ( I know, I know the ending but I still hold my breath for like 30 minutes as we all wait to see if they make it back) as I couldn't settle. I have knit some more of the jumper - I know why I don't do knitting for grown ups - I feel like it's sucking my very soul away. What a whinge bag I am!!!

So the book. Well, I had read the reviews.
Looks very promising....

The cover appealed..
Appealing Cover

However, it has taken me three, long, reluctant weeks to get through this book. in my humble opinion, it was UTTER PANTS. I didn't like HOW it was written. The structure didn't sing to me. I didn't laugh ONCE, not even a wry smile made it onto my face. I have this thing that once I start a book, I HAVE to read it. Maybe it's because it said it is "critically acclaimed" wtf does that mean anyway? Whoever was acclaiming - critically or otherwise obviously like different books to me! It was a long, hard slog. I didn't connect with the characters at all. What is wrong with me?! I have liked "critically acclaimed" stuff before. I LOVED the curious incident of the dog in the night or what ever it was called....tee hee.

Prizes | The Bookseller

Mark Haddon's critically acclaimed novel The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time has won this year's Guardian Children's Fiction Prize. ...
 See it even says so when you google it...

Anyhoo now I can't get the effin italics to switch off. It's probably the damp getting to my laptop. 

I wonder if Flowers in the Attic were ever critically acclaimed......( goes off to google it!)

 POPPED BACK - I did google it! WOW lookee here - this is a right riveting read!!!

Saturday 14 May 2011

Blog is back...but my posts have vanished!

Typically they were THE wittiest, THE most well written, THE funniest, MOST entertaining Blog posts ever!

Wednesday 11 May 2011

Ever had one of those days?

Today I mainly feel like doing this ..
Thank You for listening!!!

Tuesday 10 May 2011


It's the dreaded SATS week at work. I am invigilating a group of five children who should never ever ever have to sit any type of exam. But, because they bumble along quite nicley making small baby steps they crept over the threshold that deems them fit for work.

Yesterday was the hardest ever reading test I have seen. I have seen a lot. They have 15 minutes to read the booklet. If my little cherubs had 1500 minutes they'd have never read it all. I was actually really enjoying the booklet, but the lad I was at next to didn't turn the pages quick enough so I got frustrated. He was frustrated. I could have wept for them.

Then comes the 45 minutes of pure torture. The answer booklet. Again, the hardest I have seen for years.  These children have been separated off because they need extra help reading. When they do their maths papers on Wed & Thurs we can read every single question to them. But this is a READING test so we cannot read the questions. I don't get it. It IS a reading test, but it is testing their comprehension and retrieval skills of the booklet they have just read. Not can they read the questions. I also happen to think that if some children get readers for maths then ALL children should be read to - even the most confident reader could misread a maths question and go off on the wrong track.

Soooo I get back to the torture. The poor child is attempting to read a question, looks helplessly at you for instruction, you look back sympathetically and then each question and I mean EACH one, especially the multiple choice ones I was SCREAMING telepathically the right answers to the boy. I repeated them like a mantra in  my head - focussing REALLLY hard and saying YES YES YES YES YES YES when the pen is hovering over the right answer then NO NO GO BACK when they choose the wrong one.
Then when it says FIND and COPY ONE word you are so desperately wanting to rip the paper away and turn the page when they FOUND and COPIED  the ONE word.....but then they carry on and copy out the whole paragraph...taking precious minutes.
I was EXHAUSTED at the end of it!!!
We have the writing papers to look forward to today. They are hopeless en masse at puntuation. One child uses speech marks, brackets, dashes, elipses, apostrophes in fact ALL of them mailny correctly. But, NEVER uses capital letters and full stops!!!!! O I feel my anxiety rising already!

Busy weekend up at the hospital - this time one of my sister's other children perhaps felt like they were missing out on the illness limelight so had a fit and got a ride in a nee nar and a 2 night stay full bed n board courtesy of me and thee ( if you are a UK National Insurance Payer) ! Fortunately he is fine, the little darling. Docs convinced it was a reaction to a VIRUS! Pesky viruses. Leave my family alone! I do not know if we could cope with anything else! Baby Harry is sooooo giggly and chortley you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him!
Oops - better go to work!

Friday 6 May 2011

CBAS........and a funeral.........

Even though it is Friday, I totally have CBAS today.
Yesterday I finished work and was home by 3.30pm. I did not even sit down. I tackled the pigsty formerly known as the lounge. It now has that smug in the knowledge that all the furniture has been pulled out, skirting boards polished and dusted and all the edges hoover tooled. Cushions came off the sofa, hoovered, plumped and put back. I move backwards and methodically shift all the crap out the lounge into the dining room. So if you come round today please avert your eyes from the mountain of crap in the dining room and only look forwards into the uber tidy lounge. Thank you.
CBAS is because it is RAINING I think. I KNOW my garden desperately needed the rain, but the lack of sunshine first thing in the morning completely flattens my mood and I have CAN'T BE ARSED SYNDROME.
I CBA to go to work. ( I will of course.) I CBA to think up a witty FB status. I C even BA to write humerous stuff on here! Sorry!! ( This of course made me chuckle wrily!) I am sure once the sun comes out all will be well!
Come on Rachel, get a grip - it's FRIDAY!! Someone tell me a joke or something...I need to be cheery.Here is one to get you going....the bit that made me chortle is the last line!!!

Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA