LOTR - a saga.

This post is dedicated to my best buddy Eryn.

She loves the two things this post focuses on; going to the Pictures ( Translation - cinema ) and LOTR. ( She also loves HP and Disney - but they are for another time! )

LOTR stands for Lord of The Rings
Or is the the Ring? I don't know or care for that matter.

Now first of all I am pretty sure they are 'critically acclaimed'. As you know, if you read my blog, being C.A means that I'm a hundred and twenty seven times more likely to think it's rubbish!

I can appreciate Peter Whatisface's direction and cinematography. New Zealand is stunning. The CGI is stunning. The old bloke who played the first Dumbledore I think's acting was stunning. There it ends. It is so so so so so loooooong. Also when I think of it I automatically think of the fabulous French and Saunders parody of it!

Cut to Sunday evening. It was chosen to be the DVD of the family evening. After approximately fourteen hours into the film my daughter uttered something. It made me chortle. I tweeted Eryn!

Me - Just laughing my head off here as the Girlchild just whined after two hours of watching,
" What  IS that Frodo dooooowinnnnguhh???"

Eryn - LOL LOL LOL How is it that your kids have not seen these films yet? ( Answer at the end )

Me - Because they were too young the first time round and because I couldn't face the BOREDOMMMMM! She cannot believe it takes three films to tell the story!


Eryn - LOL its like only 1100 pages!

So here is the story Eryn  and a few of my readers who know me in that strange land called Real Life know.

I'd seen the first film, successfully managed to avoid the second but was ambushed into going to the Pictures to see the third. What makes this worse is that it was in the first couple of days of showing. I do like going to the pictures. I do. But I like to go in the last days of showing. On a Wednesday. Preferably a tea time showing.  On a Wednesday because of Orange Wednesdays ( buy one get one free ) and at tea time because everyone is  at home eating their tea! This way I manage to get the best seats and it's almost like a private viewing. ( I blame Annie  and Daddy Warbucks for this - I watched it EVERYDAY with my cousin Lesley one summer. The best thing back then was you paid to get in and they didn't throw you out. Somedays we watched it THRICE!  Twice was not enough! Then we would go home and sing 'The sun'll come out TOOmorrow' for her lucky lucky Mum - Aunty Carol I am SO sorry for all of this!) ( The day we didn't go to the pictures was the day we went and got a puppy - even though Aunty Carol had expressly forbidden it! )

Anyway I am digressing! So I like my cinema like I like my men. Silent. ( snigger )

It was the evening showing. we arrived in plenty of time. We got our seats. Numbered seats. This set me bristling already. Numbered seats?? I want to sit where *I* want TYVM! We were about half way back but on the end. There was an empty aisle seat next to me,then me, the HG and my friend.


The cinema was filling up very quickly. It was rowdy. The trailers started. The room was almost packed out. I say almost because right in the middle of our row there were empty seats. I was not impressed. The aisle seat next to me was also empty. I liked this for the bonus elbow room.
Diagram to show seating. P = Public X = empty seat F= friend HG - Hunter Gatherer, Me = Me!

                                PPPPPPPPPPPPPPXXXXXPPPPPFHGMEX

 I mentioned more than once, to anyone who was listening,  that I was not going to stand up to let any latecomers in. It's not a particularly roomy cinema  ( see accurate diagram above ) and the seats are cramped to start with. Then you have your coat on your knee etc etc.

 I was settled. The lights went down. And boom, some utter twits came down and the usher was showing them down MY side of the pictures and shone his torch to the seats in the middle. I gave him my best "SERIOUSLY?" look. Ungraciously,  I half stood up, clutching my coat so it didn't fall off to let them pass. There were hushed whispers of sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry and  sorry as FIVE tardy twits bumbled past. I hissed I hope you have been to the toilet becuase I am NOT letting you out. The
 last bloke turned to the HG and whispered,  "She's joking, right? "
Embarrassed, my HG looked uncomfortable as he shook his head.  Grumpily I sat back down with a huff and said I WAS NOT joking.  ( I absolutely wasn't.)

Everyone settled down again. Me with my comfortable elbow.

NOT FOR LONG. Oh no - in traipsed a couple.

 They stood dithering at the side of me. I shot them side - eyes. Eventually, she chose to sit at the side of me and he went back out. Several minutes later he returned and to my delight, as you can imagine,  gave her some nachos. A huge platter of them and one of those ten gallon buckets of pop. The cheesey heated up doritos STANK.  The stench wafted over to me. I leaned to my HG and hissed through clenched teeth that they stank.  He agreed. I folded my arms and fumed. Eyes firmly fixed on the screen. I concentrated on the film. I contemplated asking for subtitles because I was struggling to hear anything. The horse toothed female at the side of me CRUNCHED, CRISPED, CHOMPED, MUNCHED AND MASTICATED HER HUGE GRINDING JAWS THROUGH THE PUTRID ODOROUS TRAY OF DEEP FRIED JUNK. The smell was knocking me sick.  The gnawing of her gnashers was infiltrationg my ear drums. I was getting PISSED OFF mildly annoyed. Finally she put the tray down and started slurping her drink. She swilled the lot down.

Then it went nicely quiet and we got on with the business of film watching. I was really hot and thought I heard some air conditioning blowing in. But I must have been sat right at one of the jets as it was blowing directly on my cheek. It was warm though. Odd. I turned to the HG and asked if he could feel any air con and was it warm. He shook his head. I sat back again. Yes, there it was again.


 IMAGINE MY HORROR WHEN I TURNED THE OTHER WAY people and discovered that the jet of warm air on my cheek was infact coming from the girl next to me's boyfriend who was sat in the chairs behind and was draping himself forwards over her shoulders with his head resting on her shoulder!!!!!! As he was turning inwards slightly to see the screen, his warm breath was ON MY FACE.
EEEEEEEEEUUUUUWWWWWWWW.


I glared at him and leaned back to the HG and whispered loudly for the world to hear the the aircon was HIS breath. He'd been breathing on me and that I felt sick! I overdramatically got a tissue out of my back and furiously began wiping my face. Cursing ever so slightly under my breath.   When I sat back he was still draped but had moved his head to the other side of hers. I just stared at them. The were a loving couple. They were clearly oblivious to me and my murderous angst. They then got up and left. Not for long. She must need the toilet I reasoned, after twelve gallons of Coke. I was wrong.

They came back in reeking of cigarette smoke. I coughed. I wrinkled my nose.  I was toe tapping by now and had developed a slight eye twitch. Meanwhile we were still only two hours into the film. TWO MOTHERFECKIN hours.

"How much longer?" I politely enquired. The HG shrugged his shoulders. I thought it can't be that long because Freddo or whatever his name was had got the ring back off that other thing and was getting nearer to a huge volcanoey mountainy thing.

I gazed at the screen as loving boyfriend clearly thought his girlfriend needed a shoulder massage and commenced groping at her from behind. My peripheral vision would NOT SWITCH OFF!

I was now doing the 'buttock hitching' dance in my seat. The plush material was staring to prickle through my skirt and make my legs itch. I think the loving couple glanced over but frankly I did not care one bit!

In my head I DARED them to say something. My Cinema rage was almost at boiling point. I'd been cooped up for HOURS against my will, watching a film I did not want to watch. In my head I said
Just THROW THE F*CKING RING IN WILL YOU?!

Only .... I'd not said it in my head. The HG sniggered, my friend looked mortified. Loving couple sprang apart. I think they's seen the edge I was dangling on. I did not see his hands creep towards her again.

Anyway - you know how it goes. In the ring goes. Blah blah blah. I made to get my coat and get ready to leave.

But no - here comes a ship to take them off into the sunset. Ahhh what a lovely ending I think. I made to get my coat and make my exit.


 BUT NO. CUT TO FREAKO in a bed being nursed back to health. I do not say it in my head - I speak out loud .

WILL THIS BLOODY FILM EVER END??? ( I make no apologies if my continuity is a little mixed up but the film really does go on for ever and ever and a bit longer! )

I sat back with a huff  but perched on the edge of my seat coat in hand. Poised for the MINUTE the credits started. I sprinted out of there like Linford Frigging Christie.

So THAT is why my children have not seen the LOTR.

Right, I really fancy this new Hansel and Gretel film. Who wants to take me to the pictures??!!!

Crime - Does it pay?

Well, petals, I shall let you make up your own minds. My mind, however, is firmly made up.

 The answer of course is YES.  Here is why.....

Yesterday I said a LOT of truly less than wholesome words. I said them out loud, I said them on Twitter, I said them on Facebook, I said them to my Dad, I said them in my head,I said them to my sister, I said them to my friends, I said them via text.

If I had a swear box, I'd be bankrupt. There could have been a Royal event on with all the King This and King That going on.

A beloved follower of Twitter remarked that my TimeLine portrayed an accurate picture of today's broken Britain and the ultimate  words Jeremy and Kyle were also mentioned.

The reason for all this outrage?

Yesterday morning, early, Mr Radio set off out the door to go to work. I was still in bed pretending to be asleep - although I had been woken to find a work shirt and some toothpaste. To be honest I was not fussed at this point if he went to work in my dress with manky teeth! I think four days of none stop, grey, damp drizzle had got to me.  He then called to me in less than dulcet tones.

Some bleeping bleeping thieving bleeping bleep had nicked the bleeping wing mirrors off our car. The car is parked right outside our house. For Bleep's sake.  So the free for all swearing commenced. Now I know swearing is not big or clever but somehow it satisfies my soul to use bad language for bad people.

 I absolutely detest burglars. How bleeping DARE someone touch OUR things. They'd only took the mirror glass.  Some people may think I am over reacting. There are worse crimes.

WHY had they not gone out and just BOUGHT some mirrors if they needed them? You know, like NORMAL people do. NORMAL, law abiding, honest, LOVELY ,NORMAL people.

 I was incandescent with rage. I was FURIOUS. Beyond vexed does not cover it.  Mr Radio left for work under a similar black cloud.

 Earlier this year some scrote had wrenched off the wing mirror to get the nice silver back for their car. He is still on the look out for it. I then had to get a new black one and have it sprayed to match the car. Why did I not just scour the streets for the one I wanted ?  I called the police out to it then.

So when I reported it to the police yesterday morning, I was called a repeat victim! I have never been called a repeat victim before. I know people who don't bother reporting things like this. But why not? Yes, admittedly,  I already knew that I was never going to get the perps brought bang to rights, but I wanted it on record. I have a crime number.   It's my third crime number. The first one?

Swirly music, swirly mists, swirl your arms as we travel back in time  - I shall use italics AND a different colour for added dramatic effect.

Oohhh this happened years ago when my babies were small - but I can still get rankled to fever pitch thinking about it now. What happened?

Some TGBs  nicked my white patio table and chairs out of my back garden, that's what. Now those of you who know me well, know that my garden is MY garden and it's MINE and everything in it is LOVED. This was a lovely white plastic set of a round table and four chairs, given to  me us by Mr Radio's Dad. The table had a wonky leg. The chairs were quite distinct.

At the back of my house is a LARGE plot of private land that had gypsy caravans on them. I do not like these gyppos that live near me. I have many friends in the Travelling community but most of these at the back were absolutely lawless, hideous, scummy, loud ,obnoxious bleepers.

( Can you sense my dander is getting up?! )

I was up early with the children and drew back the dining room curtains. I walked away from the window, then had that, something wasn't right moment. I went back to the window - the table and chairs were not there. Unbelieving I opened the back door to have a proper look. Nope nothing.

 My friends laugh at this because, enraged, I actually stood in my garden and shouted
YOU THIEVING BLEEPING GYPSY BLEEPERS.

I rang Mr Radio at work who had to tell me to calm down! This was my first experience of a crime being committed against me! I have led a charmed, sheltered, naive life!  I rang the police. They were really lovely!  One of them asked me if I wanted my furniture listed as solid oak for insurance purposes?! SERIOUSLY! I declined his lovely offer though. I am so Law abiding it's untrue.

I am one of those people who are so scared of the police and being arrested I never put a foot out of line! I told the poilce that I hoped these people had scalding hot drinks on the table and that I hoped it collapsed on them as it had a dodgy leg. How DARE they climb over my wall and help themselves to MY STUFF????

A few weeks later, looking out of the window into the wastelands of Caravan City - what did I spy? MY CHAIRS. They were distinct. I rang the police again and reported my findings! They said they would call round! They did, the lying criminals claimed they were theirs and were given time to produce proof of purchase. Those chairs vanished the next day. Never to be seen again. I rest my case.

Swirly swirly etc
ANYWAY back to yesterday's trauma.

So the Policelass came round at 10am. I say lass, as she was approximately 13 years old.
She took mine and Mr Radio's  name, date of birth, job description, inside leg measurement etc. Probably to run checks on US! It's a wonder I wasn't fingerprinted. She took the details of what happened. She asked me was I friendly with my neighbours. I might want to ask them if they saw anything suspicious. She gave me her details so I could contact her with any information. So basically I had to conduct my own door to door enquiries! Also I was told, I think she thought I was a mad old bint, that there would be no forensics because of the weather. I am not aware of the fact that fingerprints wash off in the rain. BECAUSE I AM BLEEPING SURE THEY DON'T.  I think my mirrors were stolen to order!! By a well known to the police criminal bleeper.

However, clearly my paid up on time BY OURSELVES OUT OF OUR hard earned  WAGES council tax does not cover this. Off she popped to her next appointment with the promise of an email with a crime number. I was extremely 'RAAAARRRRy ' for the most of the day.

So crime has paid so far, someone has got ( MY ) mirrors on their car. Unless I have it all wrong, and it's the magpies - as pay back for all the salutes I give them.

Crime pays BIG STYLE.

In my professional life I have dealt with people who have been in  and out  of prison. They live in nice houses. They have massive flat screen TVs ( I don't - mine is one of those Sherman Tank Sized ones that will NEVER get stolen, because the noise of the crane and fork lift truck the burglars would need to remove it might attract attention.), they go on holiday abroad several times a year ( I don't - can't afford to ) .  They wear the latest fashionable trainers etc. Many are on falsely claimed benefits, cheating the system so professionally, driving round in brand new cars. A lot of money is drug related. Imagine my false smile plastered on my face as I had to share the happy news that one skanky scrote was out on licence, having achieved several vocational qualifications inc HGV licence and fort lift truck driving and free brick laying and plumbing courses at college. Paid for by effectively , US.  I know one was released with a couple of grand in wages accrued in Prison and given a job on the Council.

This individual hadn't done a paid day's legal work since leaving school. The conviction was for dealing crack cocaine - thus ensuring countless lives had been ruined. They were also ready to sell their puppies from their vicious breed of chav dog for £200 each. Hmmm I wonder if they are going to declare this to the tax man. It's OK petals, because I did. Not that anything was done about it.

Now then when Mr Radio was made redundant , you know from his poorly paid job, he got the statutory £65  a week for Jobseeker's allowance. He was allowed. ALLOWED, to look for work in his line of skill ( You know a good, honest, properly time served carpenter and joiner ) for two months. After this he had ( and would have too ) accepted anything. After six months, all benefits would stop because I earn too much. This too much , by the way, barely covers the food bill every month. We had no help with the mortgage etc. He looked into retraining and getting his HGV licence. There was NO HELP for us. It would cost over £1000.  Jobs at the Council? No chance.

THIS IS WHY IT MAKES ME SO MAD. Bleeping scum of the earth drug scum had it handed to them on a PLATE.

Thieves should lose their sticky fingers. Drug scum should lose all rights. Life should mean life. Rehabilitation my BLEEP!  Everyone is born the same with the same choices. Break the law or don't. If you choose wrong then you should be punished.

Who was punished yesterday? Oh yes, that's right.US. Policelass advised not to drive the car as we could get pulled for lack of mirrors. I kid you not. WE have to find the money to replace afore mentioned mirrors. I think I might get ones with razor blades fitted to the backs. ( I would then probably be successfully  prosecuted and sued by the next person to help themsleves )

As I said earlier, I know you are free to make up your own minds. Please excuse my rapid exit. I have just had an email from a Nigerian Uncle I didn't know  I had. I just need to sent him my sort code,account number and PIN so he can send me my inheritance! Perhaps my luck is changing after all!  First thing I will buy is a flat screen TV!

Have you been the victim of crime? Does crime pay?