Monday 30 May 2011

I made really good chips last night but I was healthy and had the jacket potato

Jenny Eclair says this is Menu Masochism.
You know - where you go to a restaurent, want the pie and fries and cake and order the grilled chicken salad, no dressing and fruit salald.

My potatoes were Cyprus. Big Cypruses at that. Bought from Barton Grange the poshest of farm shops.
I twicely fried em making them uber crispy and golden. I tasted half of one just to make sure they were cooked. I had a jacket potato - the Cypruses are really ghood at that job too!

I served them with some Sainsbury's outdoor reared pork chops - this meat came from  happy pigs, who regularly abseiled down the pituresque mountains of their happy environments, spending every day frockiling on their spongy chamomile lawns, basking in the dappled sunlight underneath their organically handreared ancient oak trees. Sainsbury's had trimmed the bone too so it looked like it was on TV and best of all as I bought them on the date they were due to go ff they were half price. They were sprinkled with sea salt and freshly milled black pepper and gently grilled to perfection!

Yum Yum . I also made home made rice pudding and a Sago pudding with yummy crispy skin on top so a million DG points to me!

I am so pleased it's half term. That's all I have to say about that. Off to do some knitting now and then I will pop my cherry with my brand new steam generator iron!! I am such a marketing man's dream it's unreal!!!!

Thursday 26 May 2011

Even Shorter, nearer forty

Yes, that is how I've been described not once now, but twice! So thank you dear sister for coining me a catchphrase, that, had I written it, would be awesome! It's very funny and TRUE!!!

Yesterday, the vilest child in the class, during circle time, the one who told me to eff off the day before, reported that his worst part about being in Y6 was having lessons with me.

To their credit, the rest of Y6 gasped in horror and disbelief that he'd said it. There was that silence where you hear a pin drop and a few nervous giggles who I will admit probably aren'y my number one fans either! I just moved straight onto the next child and didn't even acknowledge it!!!!

( Inside I was half laughing thinking "Well done you little git!!"  Half of me was fuming - not that he didn't like me - for that I am not arsed - I am there to help them get an education, not to be Miss Popular { whereas we have had staff in school who have strived to be the children's favourite, but have been a totally shite educator}but fuming for all the hours I have spent helping him and working with him when I could have given that time to another.) Of course, I know full well this is the nature of the game and yes, I will turn up again day after day to do it all again!

O dear blogchums, you would have been so proud of the way I held it together and didn't blurt out that the feeling was mutual, that he was a hateful, hideous, little sneaky snake, a compulsive liar that no one in the class liked.

This is all true. He has not one likeable redeeming feature. He is constantly smarming around, listening in to adults, sneaking round the teacher's desk and snitching on anyone about anything. His parents have bred this creature and I do blame them.

After the last time he had thumped someone so hard it bust their nose and told the lunchtime staff to eff off, his mother swarmed into school, he ...ran.... this 10 stone ten year old..ran weeping into his mother's arms where she  gathered him in like some grotesque mother hen, declared he wasn't coming back to this effing school ever. It's the shittest school and she will not have her son spoken to like he was a piece of effin shit to the head and anyone one else who was around.
Yes, she has that foghorn voice. She too is hateful.
This was all done in front of Vile Child, who was peeping out with a SMUG grin. He was swept away and we all did a silent cheer.( Actually , within the safe confines off the staffroom we did had a MASSIVE laugh.
Of course, because the school is so shit she sent him back the next day, no apology, no kiss my arse no nothing.

So now, he does whatever he likes knowing full well there are no real sanctions. (Please don't ask why he hasn't been excluded because those of you in Education will know it really isn't that easy and in the end it reflects badly on the school. I on the other hand would have no qualms about putting my foot up his arse and booting the little blighter as hard as I could as far as I could!  )

40 more work days till he leaves. I've been doing the thing he hates the most which is completely ignoring him!!!!! He always asks can he do this and that in a bid to be helpful, well NO VILECHILD you cannot, my patience has run out with you my lad!!!

I had a great day yesterday actually, I was in my element, I taught the class about the Human Circulatory System. I even found a rap song online about it which they LOVED. This followed on from The Water Cycle song I found too. It's the future. Everything I will do will be a song form! They liked it! They are good kids really ( except VC) and I will miss them. They are full of character and mainly they are comedy geniuses - they just don't realise it!

O well, off I go to see what today brings! It's my Year 1 day today - I LOVE them.

Tuesday 24 May 2011

A Brilliant day for GOOD news :)

My sister types it out so perfectly /\   she has all the latest!

The children at school are utter ratbags at the minute!

We had a visit from a magistrate today to do a workshop with them to explain how it all works and I guess to act as a deterrant! They had the children perform out a play where they acted out and read from a script just how it would go in a court!
EC sat on the sidelines. The other children were given the job of either the court artist ( As cameras are not allowed in British Courts) or a newspaper reporter. EC was a reporter. After twenty minutes or so I went to see how he was getting on.

He'd made a small notebook out of lined paper and was furiously writing away. I was impresssed. He said he needs a camera around his neck for outside the court and a jacket, hat and dictaphone. I asked him why he needed these things but he gave me such a look of utter disdain I almost flinched!!!

So I took a look at what he had written. I could not believe my eyes. Random words, all in capitals, no spaces inbetween.

It was actually quite chilling. WICKEDTEACHERGODISLOVEINSPIRATIONIDONTWANTTOIDONTWANTTO and other such ramblings. I have kept this in his file with his observations.
I also asked him why had he not done as he asked. He said I am just PRETENDING to be a newspaper reporter. Sigh. Silly me. Turns out he seriously thought we were rehearsing our end of term Y6  production !!!!
 A play where someone has committed a serious crime and gets sent to prison!

42 days is all I have to spend with this lot. TFFT!!!!!

I have had my hair cut. Quite short to how it normally is. The girls all made a fuss. ( This class isn't actually full on and harrowing ALL the time - we do have minutes of normality) O you look pretty etc...EC said WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR HAIR. I ignored him! God I have to remind myself that I do love my job!

Thursday 19 May 2011

Epic tales from a woman on the edge.......

Today is Thursday, it's taking a long time to get to the weekend this week. I think it's because tomorrow the other three angels go get tested for BRB,  for Bilateral Retinal Blastoma. Whilst I am positive the news will be favourable, my inner pessimist will not pipe down. Maybe this combined with the news that my sister was finally copied into the correspondence between hospitals ( The first time we feel let down) it turns out the partial retinal detachment is actually FULL and there are more tumours than she was told. so, even though I know it is no excuse to bring your private life to work and one must remain professional I committed that heinous crime yesterday. I lost the plot and shouted. Big style.

Remember EC is Eyebrows Child - the one who told me he could make static electricity with his eyebrows, told me to watch and waggled them at me for five minutes.

EC has been particularly difficult to manage since the SATS.  Indeed the whole class have totally gone off the rails after the SATS. Despite the fact that lately no what they would call 'real work' lessons have been done. Instead they've had  'fun' tasks to do:  the Cycling Proficiency afternoon; the brilliant  Design Technology Workshop,where with  JUST sticks and elastic bands we created trusses, tetrahedrons and eventually bridges; PE with the fantastic Sports Coaches, which is always fun. They were still utter rule breaking, rude ratbags.
So, not a "boring" lesson in sight. One would think that children would be happy, sunny natured and well behaved at such an opportunity . I would have RELISHED days like this at school. ( Actually, my inner geek is saying you UTTER LIAR!!!) Anyhoo, we are studying the Water Cycle as part of our Wicked Water mini project and we are jointly creating a brilliant display full of arty stuff all done by the children.

Sooo...some of the children were making the main title out of collage using old Argos catalogues. PORN ALERT - A girl brought a page to me clutched to her chest and hissed this is RUDE. O yes...( I would have inserted link here but the site is down) she'd discovered the ADULT GIFTS PAGE. Hang on - it's in my pocket - I shall go get it to explain what you can get. Who knew we'd have to censor the ARGOS catalogue?

Right, those of you who can get to a catalogue it's a double page spread ( Hahahaha) ( sorry...) 280 - 281
The first thing that pops out of the page visually speaking is a MASSIVE pair of boobs. It's a Stress Chest retailing at £6.99, just in case you can't work out for yourself what to do there is an accompanying photograph of ( what is clearly a man's hand ) squeezing one!  Then you notice the page has the strap line Naughty Novelties... so Jelly boobs and Jelly Willies, chocolate strip poker game, Kama Sutra biscuits, Liquorice Whips, marshmallow willies with chocolate dipping sauce and a pack of kama sutra playing cards are on page 280 for well under a tenner each. Page 281 steps it up a little.... for just nine of our English pounds and ninety nine shiny pennies one can own an executive ball's a novelty hand shaped scratcher in a posh silver PRESENTATION CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Kit. Hands up - who wants one?!
Also in a Posh Presentation case a Gentleman's Willy Care kit which includes such mind-
boggling items such as a fluffing brush. WTF do they use that for? A Sprucing Mirror styling shears and EVENING WEAR! It's looks like a small charm bracelet. I HAVE to google image this....>>>
Other items for sale include a Kama Sutra Modelling kit complete with illustration of a lrge breasted woman laying legs akimbo naked on a bed whilst her gentleman friend is stood behind her ready to "go" with his eyes almost popping out, a bar of soap with the word ARSE inscribed on it and a grinning fat man robot who will drop his pants and " pull a moonie" on request. Hilarious.

Just another joy filled episode in class!

EC and his GROUP were given the task of producing child friendly fact cardsabout The Water Cycle to go on the display. I explained what they were to do. Yes, they had a table full of beautiful text books to look at and they had to find out stuff for themselves ( gasp, shock, horror - yes I expect children to use their brains, discover  for themselves ) and produce a card for display.
I say a lot in class, don't worry about ( insert correct word here ) it's just the posh word for ( insert commonly used easy to remember word here ) I then let the children know how grown up it is to use the correct word and most of them accept the challenge and increase their vocabulary accordingly.
So my " What A Good One Looks Like" card had on it

POSH WORD = Precipitation

Then a little cartoon picture of a raindrop.

MEANS = It's just rain!

 Simple flashcards I wanted them to do. Each child was given a word and off they went....EC was given Condensation. He eventually brought me his card. On it, a pan of boiling water with a wordy explanation copied straight out of the textbook  of how boiling water in a pan in the kitchen produces steam that , when hits the big mirror in the bathroom, it goes back to water. ( I had helped him by asking what did he notice about the bathroom mirror after a bath or shower- so I am glad he listens to some things I say) however, it wasn't in context with our display which is what I wanted! ( Also, I would not be eating at his house if steam from the kettle in the kitchen condenses on the bathroom window! )

So he was sent back with the words " Make your card about the the water cycle, that one on the wall, where, after  the water has evaporated up from the sea to the clouds - tell us how has it made the clouds....... I showed him the page in the book where to get the information. He tutted, muttered O My GOD and sloped back to his seat. After a while he brought me back a card that said...

" condensation comes from when the water evaporates off the leaves in the Borneo rain Forest and travels to the mountains in the Alps where it condenses. "

  I just sighed. I took him to our display and calmly ( ! ) whilst jabbing my finger very hard onto the display to underline each word gently asked...
EC.   SHOW.   ME.   WHERE.   THE.   BORNEO.   RAIN.   FOR.  EST.   IS.   ON.   OUR.   DISPLAY!

I was just about at that losing point. Although I think I kept it well hidden.....

I then said please sit down and asked him to do Salt Water instead.

So he set off on the  job of explaining Salt Water, again he  had  a lot of quality help from yours truly, for searching and rescuing the information from a BOOK. ( This GOOGLE IT generation have no chance ),  found out that seas and oceans are formed when fresh water flows down the rocks collecting salts and minerals from the rocks. That's why they are salty.

He bought his card to me. I was smug in the knowledge that I  finally had one I could hold aloft like a prize trophy, triumphant .

NO! Don't be bloody stupid Miss Radiostar... his card said...

there is approximately a lot of salt in a wave.

His one saving grace was he'd used the dictionary to spell the word approximately. However,  no capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.

SIGH   I looked him firmly in the eye, replied mostly calmly ( Ok I lied )
" WHERE DOES THE SALT IN SALT WATER COME FROM? I think my colleague was worried I'd start frothing at the mouth!
He looked nervously back replying that it comes from when the fresh water flows down the mountain washing salts and minerals out of the rocks till it gets to the sea.

Give me strength! I enquired why he hadn't imparted this fabulous knowledge onto a flashcard to share with his classmates he shrugged his shoulders! My heinous crimes today were yelling at the kids in class. Doing that "if you shout the facts more slowly and more loudly they will understand" thing,  I might have been heard to delicately whisper... NO!      A CUMULONIMBUS    IS       A        RAIN          CLOUD            A       CIRRUS        CLOUD       IS        THE             WISPY          ONE!!!!!!

Dear readers I think you should pray for my sanity today and the safety of my charges! I think it'll be OK I barely have Y6 today. I go to the sanctuary that is Y1 for most of today where the children sit and listen, are eager to learn and to please and do exactly what you ask them first time of asking!

I LOVE my job!!!! 

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Replying to comments x

Dear Sister - smart price beans - even though they are the nicest, they  are more spendy at the minute because they only sell them in individual tins. Branston Beans work out 25p a tin if you buy 4!
Dear Helene - I have packaged up some rain and it's on it's way!! Actually, we have had bush fires in April due to the uncharacteristically hot dry weather. Quite scary stuff for this little country, where we are used to just watching the terrible fires burn in other countries.
As you get to know me Helene, you will understand that I am an advertisers dream - I am swayed by what I see. I am far too trusting!! My best friend in America also mentioned mustard is on offer a lot - surely that's because Americans eat a lot of hotdogs!!!! ( Just teasing :) )  The TV program made no bones about the hard work these women put in, hours a week. But if they are not spending on food, they don't need to eat!!! There was a woman in Texas at it. She had a HUGE garage with her stockpile and it was god as all the teenagers hung around her home, keeping them off the streets and they could feast away! They had other stuff as well as mustard!!! Also I think these people must be highly intelligent and ordered of mind - I am too much like my sister!!!
I have only cooked rabbit once, but couldn't bring myself to eat it - poor little bunny!!! I don't mind sinking my teeth into cute ickle lambs or piggies or moo cows !!!!!!! I am infact frightened of cows, they are vicious, wild animals.
I have no idea what "jar" meals are ....but I'm listening!!!! I cooked a ham in the slow cooker overnight and it smells divine...should I have some for brekkie??!!!!

I will be back later to relate the tale of EC and how he came to me and said I just went to her to complain about you because you didn't like what I'd written and what I wrote was the truth...... stay tuned.......O and for the hilarious way he was testing my lip reading skills. He came to me and said " Can you lip read?"  I said I could ( almost instantly regretting it as he prepared to test me ) ......

Sunday 15 May 2011

Posting cheatstyleee

One blog I read religiously is Moschops. It's great! I feel a certain kin with her! Hope she doesn't mind me linking her in!!

I liked my comment so I copied and pasted! I facebook, I 'LIKE' stuff a lot!!!

"I sit and read this with my heating on! Never before in the history of May has my heating been on so late in the year - the only reason  was to dry crucial work clothes for tomorrow ( Do the shake and drape = less ironing!)
I saved £350 today switching gas/electric suppliers - get yourself on it's eye opening!!! Spring clean your bank account - I was just headed to bed but am on a high after watching " Extreme couponing" on the discovery channel. A woman totted up $1000 at the till, with coupons ( pronounced over there as kewpons) about a fiver!!! I kid ye not! I want to do it."

I rarely buy anything at the supermarket unless it's on offer but these Americans put me and our country to shame. I am very careful about what I buy to start with and already am making cutbacks as that midweek 'nip' to do a small trolleys worth of essemtials that used to be £40 are now about £70. I can't seem to get it any less. I wouldn't know what to do with all the money I saved from shopping for food. That's an outright lie of course. Thanks to my intermittent insomnia I regularly 'win & spend' set lottery amounts. ...speaking of which I dunno if I told you lot this already - it may have been on the post that blogger ate ..but I signed into my email account on Thursday to be greeting with an inbox message of 'Dear Rachelradiostar, we have exciting news about your ticket you bought for the draw dated Tuesday 10th May'. I nearly had a coronary and couldn't click the link fast enough. A WHOPPING £4.30 was nestling in my lottery account. Hmmmmmmm.What to spend it on......well, I put £2 on another ticket and have the balance to do with as I please - no begging letters, but ideas welcome!!!!

Miserable wet Sunday in May and a bit of a book review ( slagging off more like)

I HATE the weather. I HATE this miserable grey horrible overcast wet weather. I hate the fact I can't get my washing dry. I CANNOT STAND this weather. Everything is damp and everything is like a damp squib. I've even left my crucial operations post as Tom Hanks goes to his certain doom up in space. ( I know, I know the ending but I still hold my breath for like 30 minutes as we all wait to see if they make it back) as I couldn't settle. I have knit some more of the jumper - I know why I don't do knitting for grown ups - I feel like it's sucking my very soul away. What a whinge bag I am!!!

So the book. Well, I had read the reviews.
Looks very promising....

The cover appealed..
Appealing Cover

However, it has taken me three, long, reluctant weeks to get through this book. in my humble opinion, it was UTTER PANTS. I didn't like HOW it was written. The structure didn't sing to me. I didn't laugh ONCE, not even a wry smile made it onto my face. I have this thing that once I start a book, I HAVE to read it. Maybe it's because it said it is "critically acclaimed" wtf does that mean anyway? Whoever was acclaiming - critically or otherwise obviously like different books to me! It was a long, hard slog. I didn't connect with the characters at all. What is wrong with me?! I have liked "critically acclaimed" stuff before. I LOVED the curious incident of the dog in the night or what ever it was called....tee hee.

Prizes | The Bookseller

Mark Haddon's critically acclaimed novel The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time has won this year's Guardian Children's Fiction Prize. ...
 See it even says so when you google it...

Anyhoo now I can't get the effin italics to switch off. It's probably the damp getting to my laptop. 

I wonder if Flowers in the Attic were ever critically acclaimed......( goes off to google it!)

 POPPED BACK - I did google it! WOW lookee here - this is a right riveting read!!!

Saturday 14 May 2011

Blog is back...but my posts have vanished!

Typically they were THE wittiest, THE most well written, THE funniest, MOST entertaining Blog posts ever!

Wednesday 11 May 2011

Ever had one of those days?

Today I mainly feel like doing this ..
Thank You for listening!!!

Tuesday 10 May 2011


It's the dreaded SATS week at work. I am invigilating a group of five children who should never ever ever have to sit any type of exam. But, because they bumble along quite nicley making small baby steps they crept over the threshold that deems them fit for work.

Yesterday was the hardest ever reading test I have seen. I have seen a lot. They have 15 minutes to read the booklet. If my little cherubs had 1500 minutes they'd have never read it all. I was actually really enjoying the booklet, but the lad I was at next to didn't turn the pages quick enough so I got frustrated. He was frustrated. I could have wept for them.

Then comes the 45 minutes of pure torture. The answer booklet. Again, the hardest I have seen for years.  These children have been separated off because they need extra help reading. When they do their maths papers on Wed & Thurs we can read every single question to them. But this is a READING test so we cannot read the questions. I don't get it. It IS a reading test, but it is testing their comprehension and retrieval skills of the booklet they have just read. Not can they read the questions. I also happen to think that if some children get readers for maths then ALL children should be read to - even the most confident reader could misread a maths question and go off on the wrong track.

Soooo I get back to the torture. The poor child is attempting to read a question, looks helplessly at you for instruction, you look back sympathetically and then each question and I mean EACH one, especially the multiple choice ones I was SCREAMING telepathically the right answers to the boy. I repeated them like a mantra in  my head - focussing REALLLY hard and saying YES YES YES YES YES YES when the pen is hovering over the right answer then NO NO GO BACK when they choose the wrong one.
Then when it says FIND and COPY ONE word you are so desperately wanting to rip the paper away and turn the page when they FOUND and COPIED  the ONE word.....but then they carry on and copy out the whole paragraph...taking precious minutes.
I was EXHAUSTED at the end of it!!!
We have the writing papers to look forward to today. They are hopeless en masse at puntuation. One child uses speech marks, brackets, dashes, elipses, apostrophes in fact ALL of them mailny correctly. But, NEVER uses capital letters and full stops!!!!! O I feel my anxiety rising already!

Busy weekend up at the hospital - this time one of my sister's other children perhaps felt like they were missing out on the illness limelight so had a fit and got a ride in a nee nar and a 2 night stay full bed n board courtesy of me and thee ( if you are a UK National Insurance Payer) ! Fortunately he is fine, the little darling. Docs convinced it was a reaction to a VIRUS! Pesky viruses. Leave my family alone! I do not know if we could cope with anything else! Baby Harry is sooooo giggly and chortley you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with him!
Oops - better go to work!

Friday 6 May 2011

CBAS........and a funeral.........

Even though it is Friday, I totally have CBAS today.
Yesterday I finished work and was home by 3.30pm. I did not even sit down. I tackled the pigsty formerly known as the lounge. It now has that smug in the knowledge that all the furniture has been pulled out, skirting boards polished and dusted and all the edges hoover tooled. Cushions came off the sofa, hoovered, plumped and put back. I move backwards and methodically shift all the crap out the lounge into the dining room. So if you come round today please avert your eyes from the mountain of crap in the dining room and only look forwards into the uber tidy lounge. Thank you.
CBAS is because it is RAINING I think. I KNOW my garden desperately needed the rain, but the lack of sunshine first thing in the morning completely flattens my mood and I have CAN'T BE ARSED SYNDROME.
I CBA to go to work. ( I will of course.) I CBA to think up a witty FB status. I C even BA to write humerous stuff on here! Sorry!! ( This of course made me chuckle wrily!) I am sure once the sun comes out all will be well!
Come on Rachel, get a grip - it's FRIDAY!! Someone tell me a joke or something...I need to be cheery.Here is one to get you going....the bit that made me chortle is the last line!!!

Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

Wednesday 4 May 2011

More paint ( blue of course ) some positive news then a life crasher AGAIN.

Good Morning, well, my freedom WAS taken ( thanks for the pep talk Mel Gibson, but my boss didn't listen!) and I was back at work yesterday but not before a weekend of painting!
This time my chimney pots needed redoing...
Out with the darker blue in with the lighter... My pots are getting old, over 100 years old to be exact and they are cracking! Hopefully my paint will hold them together...

That isn't bird poop - it's where the paint has come off...

Newly purpled

Patio paints £ 1.99 at Hobbycraft. I used these for my pots.

I WARNED Mr Radiostar what would happen if he stood still long enough in my garden!

I am a messy painter. It was also up my arms, down my legs, on my chest and my tummy and face :)

Normally I plant pretty flowers ( only blue and purple ) but thos year I have gone with strawberries. I hope they will grow...I did get a bit of paint on them......

Blue sky, blue fence, Mr Radiognome in full shades of blue technicolour!!( Really it's an old gnome I found hidden amongst my (purple) geraniums that the boy child won for me in a tombola!)

Can you spot the imposter?

BLOODY YELLOW POPPY HOW DARE YOU!!!! ( It was quickly escorted from the premises shortly after thios shot was taken)

My little toes! But I love howe the sun's rays come over the wall!

I wonder where this ring of blue paint come from - is it a crop circle?

Now for the positive news - Baby has had the all clear for his Lumbar Puncture and Bone Marrow tests so the cancer hasn't spread. His blood count was also high enough for him to have more toxic drugs to be pumped into his little body...but we are taking it all as GOOD as it's baby steps closer to recovery :)
Life crasher - if any of you go over to my sister's blog, you'll see she had some devastsating news from her friend that her baby boy had died in the womb. O it's set me off again. It brings it all back to me. So so sad. As always in this cruel world, there is ALWAYS ALWAYS someone with troubles worse than your own.
Much love to all of you out there :) xx