Please note there are no fullstops in the next paragraph. This is intentional. I suggest you take a really big breath if you read using punctuation.
The DIY Brazilian....step by step guide
- OOOH dear should have had a wee 4 hours ago when I was at work,
- Nevermind, I ll make it home
- see house and start speed walking towards path
- skip a bit towards door
- why did you hold on till now and oh bugger,
- where's my bloody keys,
- check coat pocket,
- check other coat pocket even though you always keep them in the OTHER coat pocket - the one you checked first.
- pull out bus tickets, 2p coins, manky tissues
- inwardly squeeeze and simulataneously press legs together and stand up straight
- say hi to neighbour and hope to buggery they don't want a chat
- give up on pocket search
- rummage desperately in handbag,
- tip handbag upside down, find keys and bring them up into the light triumphant, like Golum and his ring,
- grasp keys hurriedly,
- stuff everything back in bag, sit on garden wall if you are lucky enough to have one
- hope when you stand up there isn't a little dark ' butterfly print' because neighbour is getting shopping out of car
- and compose yourself for a second
- oh need a wee need a wee
- fumble with keys
- can't get the key in door,
- cross legs
- bend knees
- squint eyes
- clench pelvics
- oh for crying out loud key get in the effin lock
- dance dance jiggle dance
- nearly break key trying to wrench it out
- half hop half run into house
- and slam door behind you
- much swearing
- re open door and extract coat out of door
- much more swearing as you do this
- shut door again
- cross legs run sideways past all the crap in the hall ( windows, doors, skirting boards, radiators, corrugated steel - all DIY projects in the waiting )
- run up stairs like Linford Christie
- ripping your coat off
- swear profusely as your arms get stuck
- pause to dance riverdance routine on landing
- legs triple wound round each
- bob up and down while turning like you are a ride on a carousel
- stand up really straight, everything tightly pressed and calm yourself for about a second
- ALL your pelvics are clamped as tight as they can go
- ( Mine are clampable due to two 'cut 'n' shut' babies)
- whilst singing to your self in a tuneless manner now ooo come on come on ooooo
- the effort is making beads of sweat glisten on your top lip
- I think they are beads of sweat in the nether regions
- then shuffle
- legs twisted and feet together into the bathroom desperately yanking down undergarments
- only to remember milliseconds too late that
b) You are wearing something that is
super duper
absorbent
freshness included
cotton soft
feels like velvet
ultra wide
Ultra soft
Ultra comfortable
Ultra amazing
Ultra winged
These are not just any ordinary wings, these are
super glue
non slip
non moving
they stay in place
EVEN when we all are busy doing these things just once a month. I don't know about you, but I am usually kept busy with
tennis matches
horse riding afternoons
parachuting displays
jogging,
disco dancing
Skipping to work
laughing with friends
all of the above activities I do in my skin tight white trousers
AND LAST BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY NOT LEAST
c) Lush, lush, torrid, thick undergrowth, a Lady garden of extreme unruly natural wildness. I am thinking Wuthering Heights wild. with those tendrils that wisp gently and softly down your inner thighs
RESULT- extremely painful self waxing accident. ( DAMN YOU WISPY TENDRILS!)
SO instead of that ahhhhhhhh feeling of you made it, it's more like an AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH BODY FOR HORRRRM!!!!
Anyone else? Nope? Just me then? Are you sure? If you comment I PROMISE not to reuse this post again!
