Been a mad mad few days

Well, my new nephew finally arrived with his Aunty Rachel waiting to gently guide him into the world then cut his cord. It'd been a fraught LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG wait. Friday morning was my sister's routine community midwife check and after she'd been admitted on the 19th Dec with a very convincing false alarm she was concerned that she hadn't felt the baby move. So Lisa was packed off to the maternity ward for close monitoring. After a while the FEMALE ( This is important for later on in the story) consultant said she was concerned about a few decelerations on the trace and as soon as there was a bed ready on delivery Lisa, who was 3 cm and soft, would be put on a hormone drip to move things along.
The first I knew of this was the text message I got at the end of the day. I was at school. My phone displays the first part of the message. The bit I saw said
" I am in hospital having the baby"
I nearly screamed and dropped my phone! On opening the text it said..
" I am in hospital having the baby checked over, Will ring you later!"
After work I went up to the hospital with to see what was happening. Poor Lisa was STILL attached to the trace monitor - so the whole visiting time ( Me, D, Ma & Pa ) we spent with our eyes glued to the digital numbers and graph paper. We didn't speak to Lisa at all.  The lovely midwife popped her head round and said that Lisa would be going down to delivery shortly. Visiting ended at 8pm so ma & pa left and D and I stayed because as birthing partner I would be going down with her.
10pm that night. Midwife came to say MALE consultant wasn't alarmed with the trace, it seemed OK now. As there were a million other inconsiderate woman birthing downstairs Lisa could jolly well wait! So
D and I went home for a good night's sleep tho we we only too acutetly aware that being baby number 4 this could happen at ANYTIME.
 First thing Saturday morning.
We drove up to wait till I was allowed in at 9am. Lisa had texted to say she'd been up most of the night with pains and her waters had gone about 6am.
What followed was a day of laughter and hilarity!

Come on out little baby!
We chatted, did crosswords, drank tea then decided to go for a wander to the cafe to try and help things along. Lisa said walking sideways up and down stairs was good for opening the pelvis. I walked sideways up and down ALL the stairs to no avail - nothing happened!!! Well apart from nearly tripping over my long floaty skirt which now, thanks to my tummy not being quite so round , trails on the floor - so I mainly walk around like a victorian lady now holding up my skirts. Lisa did say I should have a crinoline. I am seriously considering.
 We were at the top of one set of stairs ( very stairy is our hospital) and I asked Lisa if she had ever given herself a self brazillian . We were discussing surfboards. Our pet name for sanitary pads - the hospital ones Lisa was using to try and contain the flood of waters she was leaking were HUUUUUUGE. So - back to the brazillian....ladies - have you ever been in one of those ( deep breath) o god I should have had a wee 4 hours ago when I was at work and instead I held on till now and o god can't get the key in door, cross legs, bend knees, squint eyes, clench pelvics, ofg key get in the effin lock  dance dance nearly break key trying to wrench it out and slam door behind you, much swearing, re open door and pull coat out of way  shut door again cross legs run sideways past all the crap in the hall ( windows, doors, skirting boards, radiators, corrugated steel - all DIY projects NOTHING to do with us girls) and run up stairs taking coat off on way up, pausing to dance riverdance routine on landing with legs triple wound round each other pelvics clamped as tight as they can whilst you then shuffle legs twisted feet together into the bathroom and having to yank down knickers so fast to avoid accident -  only to remember milliseconds too late that a
a) wretched unwanted relative aka in my house as aunty from america ( sorry eryn xx ) here therefore
b) super duper absorbant freshness included cotton soft feels like velvet ultra with wide  ( super glue non slip non moving)WINGS  ensuring they stay in place even in all those  hurricane, tennis matches, horse riding, parachuting, jogging, disco dancing  activities we do in skin tight white trousers( Whhhooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa bodyforrrrr mmmmmm)  pads is in situ
c) Lady garden extremely unruly and one of those must do that job but cba


result - extremely painful self waxing accident.
Well Lisa and I laughed and laughed and laughed. We were almost crying. The more she laughed so did I . She was contracting. I wasn't helping. The couple on the stairs were looking alarmed and got the hell off that stairwell as fast as they could!!!