Toddler Tales

I worte this as a comment on one of my friend's blogs as she filled me with sad laughter at her supermarket trip from hell post.
I can laugh about this now. But only just....16 years on!

"Hey sweetie - you know the BEST kids in the world are the window lickers right?!
Once, when my Darling daughter was 2 and a half and I was 38 weeks pregnant, therefore hippo sized with my dear son, my beloved other half and I ventured into town. My two year old was a darling. Well behaved ergo I could take her anywhere.
Till
An old woman at the market must have cast a demon inside her . It's the only obvious explanation.
So begins my bag hell.
We went into a swanky newsagents and bought the girl a comic for being a good girl. The nice shop lady put the comic in a bag. I had already got some packages, so I compacted then down into comic bag. Daddy had wandered to the front of the shop and something else caught my eye so was still at the back of the store.
" Mummy, please may I carry the bag?" asked my sweet toddler. Smily mummy said no, it was too heavy.
I want my bag said the devil.

I want MY BAGGGGGGGG. The devil repeated with a touch of demon voice added in for good measure and there began a tug of war stand off ( BECAUSE I NEVER EVER BACK DOWN)
I'm saying no , come along now as my possessed exorcist brat is flinging itself on the floor repeating the I want my bag mantra over and over. I'm close to pregnancy hormone tears. Where is my knight in shining armour to come rid me of this beast?
He's only gone and FUCKED OFF OUT THe SHOP.
The child is nipping my ankles and only because there were other people around I was not drop kickking her into touch!!
 A snotty stuck up bitch looked me up and down and said what that child needs is a good slap. I calmly said what YOU need is a smack in the face  you old cow.  To this day I am PROUD that I did that!

Somewhere I gathered the strength and flexability to bend down and grab the child in a roll of carpet under the arm move and march out the shop.
Fortunately, she had stopped worrying about carrying the bag. She was now more concerned with letting the world , his wife and their distant relatives in Australia know that
I WAS NIPPING HER.
I wasn't actually meaning to but I had to grab her to keep her from falling and her skin must have been pinching.
When I got outside  I was all ...
" Where have you been I needed you in there etc" to her dad.
He said I could HEAR her from the front of the shop so I walked out so embrarrassed!!!!!!
I did 'rageironing' for days in steely silence.

We have been together nearly 20 years. I was nearly doing 20 years for killing him !!!!!! Bloody men! - Going to use this epic comment as a blog post!
You are my favourite chunky mama in the world! I love you!
Go pay her a visit!Brilliant Bloggy Read