Friday 17 August 2012

Hypothetically speaking.....

Hypothetically speaking...let me tell you a story - all completely made up right. Honest. Totally fictitious......

I am writing this because it might have  happened to ...  a friend......who may or may not bear an uncanny resemblance to me.....

Once upon a time.... ( because it IS a story)
 Just imagine if your friend  had a teenage daughter, who announced that she had been asked out on a date by an unknown  male perpetrator boy.

Hypothetically speaking, IF this had have been me and my daughter - which it erm  it wasn't. * shifts uncomfortably in seat *  * Possibly failure of  a lie detector text on Jeremy Kyle highly likely.*

I think I would  naturally like to find out about the potential mad axe murderer who had professed an interest in the most precious first born in the world.

The eighteen year old daughter who is still my her precious one,  told of his full name which may or may not have been Joseph Bloggs. My friend may or may not have waited till the girl was out of the room, picked up her trusty iphone and causally typed his name into the Facebook Search bar. ( She waited  until the girl was out of the room and then did the typing )  What if he had an OPEN profile....? ( Let's pretend he did )  { he did } ( Does his mother not patrol his security levels ensuring they are tight up to the max - as any nutcase out there can get access to his information and photographs???? )

If she had done this my friend could have  potentially discovered that he seemed a normal lad, with a Scouting background  ( just like the girl )  and  had a full on job having just completed a three year apprenticeship.  (In this day and age very  lucky; determined AND in full time employment ) My friend told me that hypothetically she would be a little easier and calmer during the time they were out together!

 My friend laughed about this stalking careful background research she maybe did with the daughter. It would be after all  a victimless crime harmless activity. The daughter would probably roll her eyes and tell her parent , not for the first time, that she was SOOOO embarrassing, the banter would flow easily and all would be well.....


So after being taken out for a meal in a public place and then being safely delivered home unharmed  at a respectable time,  if  the daughter announced that he wanted to take her out the following evening, not one eyelid would have been  raised.

The daughter would probably go to work the next day, and he would probably pick her up after her shift and  then they would probably go on  date #2. ( They did. )  The mother and father ( my friends ) would probably be sitting on the sofa, more than likely watching the Olympics. ( They were. )

Just like myself really, of an evening , my friend  uses her 'iphone', with all it's touch screen easy scrolliness, to have a look on The Twitter and then maybe Facebook. She had a few notifications to get through. Since she discovered the fun of Twitter - after her best friend in the whole wide world - ( we will get to 'Eryn'  later ) had encouraged her to go on it, she hardly bothered with Facebook. So there were a few notifications to get through. ( 22 )

My friend would have been checking through aforementioned notifications and then I bet her heart would have stopped.

She would have experienced that gut wrenching sinking feeling, as she froze in horror at the words she could have been reading on that notifications list.

I bet she did a double take. Squinted her eyes shut and then looked again in terror.
What?? Wwwhhhaaatttt????????

WHAT IF, there, halfway down the list, were the chilling words?

"Joseph Bloggs accepted your friend request .Write on Joseph's Timeline."
This Famous painting borrowed from Google Images kinda captures the moment perfectly.

Those words were there, dear reader,  I'm afraid my friend had committed a heinous crime. She would surely be thrown out of Detective College now.....

Those words caused palpitations. The colour drained from her face. Her loving Hunter Gatherer sat beside her and gently enquired what was wrong. With trembling hands, she turned her phone so that he could see.

He immediately started LAUGHING HIS HEAD OFF! 

She went into panic mode.
She declared it was not funny. Should she unfriend immediately? No, because then she would look like an idiot. Joseph Bloggs, poor Joseph Bloggs. What would he be thinking????

She got in touch with her best friend , you know for some sympathy and support.

I'm going to use actors for this bit, like they do on the telly, to protect identities etc!

SM ( Stalker Mom ) - explained all of the above
SM - :-/
BF - Did you unfriend him straight away? OMFG. BRB gotta text this to my husband lol
SM - NOOOOO because then that looks like I just wanted to spy on him straight.
BF - NO! DEFRIEND! Does daughter know?
SM - not yet.  I don't think. I just want to die
BF - LOL I am getting a heck of an ab work out, laughing
SM - thanks for listening!!! She's out with him RIGHT NOW! I am hoping some day we can all laugh at this.SOOOO When you are FB spying on your daughter's future beau - DO NOT USE A SCROLLY TOUCH SCREEN DEVICE THAT WILL CLICK THINGS LIKE ADD AS A FRIEND WITHOUT YOU KNOWING!!!
BF -  LOL girl, I will use a FAKE account. Let's look at it this way, what's creepier? That your date's mom checked out your FB profile and accidentally clicked "friend" OR that she ACTUALLY WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND? Oh man !!
SM - I  unfriended- even HG is saying it'll make me look insane.
BF - LOL I am sure he already thought that when he accepted your friend request. LOL This is one way to keep the boys from your daughter!
SM - We will have to include this in the book. I'm going to blog this in a hypothetical way!
BF - LOL I was thinking it'd make a great "What NOT to do when your teen starts dating. " post.
I adore you. I think this should be an episode of Modern Family. And the girl's date would get the FB notification about it on his phone WHILE they were on their date.

( Isn't still laughing ) *lies
SM - * leaves home *
BF - now, DON'T YOU EVER GO TO HIS FB PAGE ON YOUR PHONE AGAIN!  Because if you do it again? Yeah - then you'll look insane LOL
SM - I'm never ever going on FB ever again, ever.
BF - LMAO - Do you think this is the modern equivalent of showing your kids' dates their naked baby photos?
SM - I will let you know what happens!

By the way the husband of my  my friend's best friend replied to her text with this.
LOL LOL LOL lol lol lol LOL lol LOL lol LOL lol LOL and my friend received a similar tweet!!!! ( Thanks @PWAG )

The Aftermath.
The daughter arrived home. Her mother sat her down and said she had a confession. The daughter started laughing and said I know!! The mother said that it was an accident and she didn't even realise that she'd done it! The mother asked the child what he had said. Well, the Beau and the mother have the same surname - the daughter had checked out already,  before agreeing to a date, because of our extensive family that was NO way we were related as it would have been 'incest or something'.
Joseph said he'd had this request, but because of the highest security this female had got going on - he didn't know who it was - so he'd accepted because he thought it was a relation. Well, the daughter was laughing as she outed me  the mother, admitting that "It's my mum!" They both found this hilarious and nearly died of the laughter!!!

The mother insisted the daughter text Joseph and apologise. The daughter was so funny as she was laughing and saying how cringey it was and how she had " died just a little bit in side when he said do you know who Mrs Bloggs was?

He texted back straight away that it was ok, he thought it was funny and that the daughter hadn't to be too mean to me the mother over it!

Hands up if we like this boy!!

Crikey, just imagine if that happened to you?!!!!!! I cannot for a MINUTE , even let it enter my head that this might be something that I would do........


  1. Oh this made me laugh so much! But it is reassuring to know I am not the only Stalker Mum out there. Xxx

  2. \o/ *raises hands* to liking the boy. LMAO at the nutcase of a mother ;o)So glad I have boys...

  3. 'Your friend' is a nutter! A nutter, I tell you!

  4. I am still l lol lol lol lol lol lol about your ummmmm friend doing this she is such a noisy bitch serves. Your friend right ha ha

  5. Sniggering, har de har-ing I agree with batsby you err your friend is a nutter snigger

  6. Aaahhhhhhhhh. Your poor FRIEND!

  7. I'm kinda thinking that the "Friend" you herein speak of has been rumbled....big time ;o)

  8. I am loving this its just desserts for nosey parkers , as funny reading it as hearing it in the flesh from ' your friend' first hand!!!!

  9. Oh your poor 'friend' . Oh God,.....can't control it anymore HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    Jane x

  10. ChippyChin from Twitter18 August 2012 at 09:20

    Oh man, this is hilarious. I'm so glad I can now regularly read your blog. Like I said before, what a cool caring mom!

  11. Ha ha so funny. Facebook really has changed our parenting.

  12. How did I miss that you posted this? I'm laughing all over again. Oh man, my stomach.

    I'm also going to have to make sure to watch my typos in the future, in case my texts to you...r friend... end up on the internet! lol

    Thanks for the good laugh. Again. *titters*


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