Thursday, 4 April 2013

LOTR - a saga.

This post is dedicated to my best buddy Eryn.

She loves the two things this post focuses on; going to the Pictures ( Translation - cinema ) and LOTR. ( She also loves HP and Disney - but they are for another time! )

LOTR stands for Lord of The Rings
Or is the the Ring? I don't know or care for that matter.

Now first of all I am pretty sure they are 'critically acclaimed'. As you know, if you read my blog, being C.A means that I'm a hundred and twenty seven times more likely to think it's rubbish!

I can appreciate Peter Whatisface's direction and cinematography. New Zealand is stunning. The CGI is stunning. The old bloke who played the first Dumbledore I think's acting was stunning. There it ends. It is so so so so so loooooong. Also when I think of it I automatically think of the fabulous French and Saunders parody of it!

Cut to Sunday evening. It was chosen to be the DVD of the family evening. After approximately fourteen hours into the film my daughter uttered something. It made me chortle. I tweeted Eryn!

Me - Just laughing my head off here as the Girlchild just whined after two hours of watching,
" What  IS that Frodo dooooowinnnnguhh???"

Eryn - LOL LOL LOL How is it that your kids have not seen these films yet? ( Answer at the end )

Me - Because they were too young the first time round and because I couldn't face the BOREDOMMMMM! She cannot believe it takes three films to tell the story!


Eryn - LOL its like only 1100 pages!

So here is the story Eryn  and a few of my readers who know me in that strange land called Real Life know.

I'd seen the first film, successfully managed to avoid the second but was ambushed into going to the Pictures to see the third. What makes this worse is that it was in the first couple of days of showing. I do like going to the pictures. I do. But I like to go in the last days of showing. On a Wednesday. Preferably a tea time showing.  On a Wednesday because of Orange Wednesdays ( buy one get one free ) and at tea time because everyone is  at home eating their tea! This way I manage to get the best seats and it's almost like a private viewing. ( I blame Annie  and Daddy Warbucks for this - I watched it EVERYDAY with my cousin Lesley one summer. The best thing back then was you paid to get in and they didn't throw you out. Somedays we watched it THRICE!  Twice was not enough! Then we would go home and sing 'The sun'll come out TOOmorrow' for her lucky lucky Mum - Aunty Carol I am SO sorry for all of this!) ( The day we didn't go to the pictures was the day we went and got a puppy - even though Aunty Carol had expressly forbidden it! )

Anyway I am digressing! So I like my cinema like I like my men. Silent. ( snigger )

It was the evening showing. we arrived in plenty of time. We got our seats. Numbered seats. This set me bristling already. Numbered seats?? I want to sit where *I* want TYVM! We were about half way back but on the end. There was an empty aisle seat next to me,then me, the HG and my friend.


The cinema was filling up very quickly. It was rowdy. The trailers started. The room was almost packed out. I say almost because right in the middle of our row there were empty seats. I was not impressed. The aisle seat next to me was also empty. I liked this for the bonus elbow room.
Diagram to show seating. P = Public X = empty seat F= friend HG - Hunter Gatherer, Me = Me!

                                PPPPPPPPPPPPPPXXXXXPPPPPFHGMEX

 I mentioned more than once, to anyone who was listening,  that I was not going to stand up to let any latecomers in. It's not a particularly roomy cinema  ( see accurate diagram above ) and the seats are cramped to start with. Then you have your coat on your knee etc etc.

 I was settled. The lights went down. And boom, some utter twits came down and the usher was showing them down MY side of the pictures and shone his torch to the seats in the middle. I gave him my best "SERIOUSLY?" look. Ungraciously,  I half stood up, clutching my coat so it didn't fall off to let them pass. There were hushed whispers of sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry and  sorry as FIVE tardy twits bumbled past. I hissed I hope you have been to the toilet becuase I am NOT letting you out. The
 last bloke turned to the HG and whispered,  "She's joking, right? "
Embarrassed, my HG looked uncomfortable as he shook his head.  Grumpily I sat back down with a huff and said I WAS NOT joking.  ( I absolutely wasn't.)

Everyone settled down again. Me with my comfortable elbow.

NOT FOR LONG. Oh no - in traipsed a couple.

 They stood dithering at the side of me. I shot them side - eyes. Eventually, she chose to sit at the side of me and he went back out. Several minutes later he returned and to my delight, as you can imagine,  gave her some nachos. A huge platter of them and one of those ten gallon buckets of pop. The cheesey heated up doritos STANK.  The stench wafted over to me. I leaned to my HG and hissed through clenched teeth that they stank.  He agreed. I folded my arms and fumed. Eyes firmly fixed on the screen. I concentrated on the film. I contemplated asking for subtitles because I was struggling to hear anything. The horse toothed female at the side of me CRUNCHED, CRISPED, CHOMPED, MUNCHED AND MASTICATED HER HUGE GRINDING JAWS THROUGH THE PUTRID ODOROUS TRAY OF DEEP FRIED JUNK. The smell was knocking me sick.  The gnawing of her gnashers was infiltrationg my ear drums. I was getting PISSED OFF mildly annoyed. Finally she put the tray down and started slurping her drink. She swilled the lot down.

Then it went nicely quiet and we got on with the business of film watching. I was really hot and thought I heard some air conditioning blowing in. But I must have been sat right at one of the jets as it was blowing directly on my cheek. It was warm though. Odd. I turned to the HG and asked if he could feel any air con and was it warm. He shook his head. I sat back again. Yes, there it was again.


 IMAGINE MY HORROR WHEN I TURNED THE OTHER WAY people and discovered that the jet of warm air on my cheek was infact coming from the girl next to me's boyfriend who was sat in the chairs behind and was draping himself forwards over her shoulders with his head resting on her shoulder!!!!!! As he was turning inwards slightly to see the screen, his warm breath was ON MY FACE.
EEEEEEEEEUUUUUWWWWWWWW.


I glared at him and leaned back to the HG and whispered loudly for the world to hear the the aircon was HIS breath. He'd been breathing on me and that I felt sick! I overdramatically got a tissue out of my back and furiously began wiping my face. Cursing ever so slightly under my breath.   When I sat back he was still draped but had moved his head to the other side of hers. I just stared at them. The were a loving couple. They were clearly oblivious to me and my murderous angst. They then got up and left. Not for long. She must need the toilet I reasoned, after twelve gallons of Coke. I was wrong.

They came back in reeking of cigarette smoke. I coughed. I wrinkled my nose.  I was toe tapping by now and had developed a slight eye twitch. Meanwhile we were still only two hours into the film. TWO MOTHERFECKIN hours.

"How much longer?" I politely enquired. The HG shrugged his shoulders. I thought it can't be that long because Freddo or whatever his name was had got the ring back off that other thing and was getting nearer to a huge volcanoey mountainy thing.

I gazed at the screen as loving boyfriend clearly thought his girlfriend needed a shoulder massage and commenced groping at her from behind. My peripheral vision would NOT SWITCH OFF!

I was now doing the 'buttock hitching' dance in my seat. The plush material was staring to prickle through my skirt and make my legs itch. I think the loving couple glanced over but frankly I did not care one bit!

In my head I DARED them to say something. My Cinema rage was almost at boiling point. I'd been cooped up for HOURS against my will, watching a film I did not want to watch. In my head I said
Just THROW THE F*CKING RING IN WILL YOU?!

Only .... I'd not said it in my head. The HG sniggered, my friend looked mortified. Loving couple sprang apart. I think they's seen the edge I was dangling on. I did not see his hands creep towards her again.

Anyway - you know how it goes. In the ring goes. Blah blah blah. I made to get my coat and get ready to leave.

But no - here comes a ship to take them off into the sunset. Ahhh what a lovely ending I think. I made to get my coat and make my exit.


 BUT NO. CUT TO FREAKO in a bed being nursed back to health. I do not say it in my head - I speak out loud .

WILL THIS BLOODY FILM EVER END??? ( I make no apologies if my continuity is a little mixed up but the film really does go on for ever and ever and a bit longer! )

I sat back with a huff  but perched on the edge of my seat coat in hand. Poised for the MINUTE the credits started. I sprinted out of there like Linford Frigging Christie.

So THAT is why my children have not seen the LOTR.

Right, I really fancy this new Hansel and Gretel film. Who wants to take me to the pictures??!!!


9 comments:

  1. BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

    I love the movies, I do, but I sympathize with your hilarious plight.

    I'm the one who will TELL assholes in the theatre when they are being assholes. In a death-threatening hiss.

    We went to see The King's Speech (which I loved, BTW, Colin FIIIIIIRTH), and a gaggle of senior citizens sat behind us. No problem, I figured. WRONG. They were the worst. They were hard of hearing, so instead of whispering to one another - bad enough - they talked. Loudly. And one fellow just could NOT follow the plot. "Who's that? What did he say? What's going on?" until finally in a red misty rage I turned around and said "OH MY GOD YOU WERE ALIVE WHEN THESE EVENTS HAPPENED WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!!"

    And silence reigned.

    Also, I'm a jerk.

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  2. HURRAH FOR HANNAH!!! I so wish I'd have been there!!

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  3. ...and this is the reason I NEVER go to the movies/cinema.Thank you for saying it for me...you saved me mucho typing!
    Jane x

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  4. Hahahaha at both of you. I'm sorry my blog is down, because otherwise I would link to my theater rage post. Why does everyone in the theater chew with their mouth open? WHY? No really, why?

    My favorite thing about homeschooling is going to 1pm weekday matinees at the theater. When I go shell out $400000000 to watch a movie in the theater, I don't want anyone else breathing on me. We made the mistake 2 years ago of taking some of my daughter's friends to the theater during spring school holidays. I walked in & said "WHY are all these children here?" Oh. OTHER people's children should be in school 365 days a year, IMO.

    & I didn't say it was ONLY 1100 pages, I said it was 1100 pages, implying it has to take 300 movies. Like if the Twilight "saga" was one film. Since The Hobbit is ALSO 3 movies, imagine if Peter Jackson remade the LOTR today. It'd probably be 10 movies. Woof.

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  5. This exactly why we do not visit the cinema ever, no matter how badly we want to see a film we wait for the dvd.

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  6. Rachel i read this in the Asda car park and had a few strange looks from passers by mainly because it made me laugh out loud (i was alone). I will only go to the smaller pictures in the town centre and not the massive centertainment preferably on a week day in the middle of the day just so i can makesure no one else is there! i dont mind the odd OAP though. If i see someone suspicious i spend most of the film watching them, once i have noted all fire escapes.Gav is a huge fan of LOTR but as i am a extremely selfish wife i cannot bring myself to even consider sitting for that long yawn, Lily has been brainwashed by her dad and i truly do believe she enjoys these films, the conversations about what has been missed out or is different to the books just goes straight over my head. The name Gollam though had and still has the same impact on Griffin as Jaws did on me, scared the living crap out of him. I still remember Lisa Jaques's party and people putting the sound track of Jaws on the record player.
    Just going back to when we were kids,i remember that day my mum let us go to a strangers house to see puppies as if it were yesterday, oh parenting was so different in those days. We were surrounded by black and white balls of fluff a fiver each not bad, he lasted 18 years, got my money's worth.

    Oh by the way i don't recommend you visit the pictures when Gav is there as he loves the nachos just as much as the film and has the annoying habit of getting every last bit of cheese out of the container with his finger!!

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  7. Hi thanks for visiting my post on the edgings.
    If you can knit I think you could crochet, I crochet as I knit, give it a try.
    The edgings look more complecated than they really are.
    Visit again if you fancy, I don't always blog on needlework, my cats take a big slice of the action, lol
    Briony
    xxx

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  8. Non of those fantasy films do anything for me, even Harry Potter bored me. lol
    Briony
    xxxxx

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  9. So funny Rachel. I think Lord of the Rings has to be your thing. I enjoyed the movies because I enjoyed the novels. The only one, funny enough that I have seen at the movies, was number 3 with hubby. I could see he was getting bored and trying not to show it. His highlight was when I screamed out at the sight of the spider. He till today tells people that even Lord of the Rings frightened me.

    Psst since we got a projector with a long life bulb last year, we never bother going out for movies because we have a lovely big screen at home and no annoying smelly people to contend with.

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