Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Back to my story of cars, cancer and failed Christmas prep.

It's 8am, I have much Christmas stuff to do. Mainly wrapping. I've done NOTHING with fancy paper and lost rolls of Sellotape.
I write this blog after finally making it out of my bed Mission Impossible stylee. Are you ready? Dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum ( please in your mind make these words like the MI theme tune)

*********pausing this blog post for EFFING itunes/iphone to to what they need to do  because I am finally getting my photos onto the computer...I bet it screws up somewhere. Watch this space. ****************



Ok, where were we. right it's now 09.16 and I will re begin. ( I have been sat on my arse in front of the computer for well over an hour now! )


The reason for the wait is that for the first time since I got it, I have plugged my iphone in to my laptop. It has gone CRAZY with updating madness. Total updating gridlock now. Apple started the update wars, Yahoo snuck it's sticky beak in. My dear old Russian spy Kaspersky chums are doing the U word and I just bet my friend Eryn ten quid that Windows wants to get in on the orgy too.

Fact. Computers do my head in.

Right, now my photos have finally uploaded I can show you WHY I was all sweaty Tom Cruise this morning! ( Right off you go with the tune - dum dum dum dum, dum dum dum dum  de ne duuuurrrrr)

The reason for my early morning Mission Impossible of getting out of bed is because I have no escape route. It is currently being blocked off by Christmas presents. Carefully camoulflaged by a bath sheet and my dressing gown.
The blue is my quilt, the rest of the space between my bed and my wall is being taken up by presents. We have a queen size bed; I, as most of you know, am not queen sized! So this morning it took a lot of army commando stylee crawling, roly polys, getting entangled in the quilt, bum shuffling and EFFORT to get out of bed!!  Why I bother to hide things is purely for me - I like to keep the magic alive. However, the kids are that used to piles of crap around the house they don't even notice.  Plus,  being teenagers - the F C magic has dimmed for them a tad - how very DARE they grow up on me like that, behind my back,  heck, they don't even DESERVE any presents!






But


Today ( if I ever get off the computer ) is going to be a wrapping marathon day!


Ok back to my near death on the M6 adventures.

For those new to my blog; please find the Harry posts. He has to go to Birmingham's children's hospital every few weeks.  If I am off work I go with Lisa on what I call our mini City break. We wish we didn't have to go at all. But she usually comes to pick me up and then we wait at her house for the hospital taxi to collect us for the journey to Brum.

I got up and faffed about packing. The HG took my precious offspring up town. Three minutes after they left,  I got a text message from The HG that said, and I quote " It's so fucking slippy."

I think, dear reader, that was a slight underestimation. In the history of under estimations this was

epically slightly under!


Have you ever experienced Freezing Rain? I'd never even HEARD of it until today. Proper freezing rain is lethal. Google it!



Lisa then texted to say she would see me about 11 O' clock

"got to get Dad to help me get car from bottom cos it's a bit icy" .

( A BIT ) har har little did she know - then a short while later...


"Dad stuck near my car. Today aint boding well."

It was serious boding stakes!

Read what happened to her here  Lisa tells us about the day.

See what Freezing rain is like now?

Finally she got in touch to say she was coming to Mum n Dad's and could I get there to meet her?

Sure I could. I had my sturdy walking ultra grippy boots on and off I set.

Off I set nearly onto my back side.


Thank goodness my neighbours are lazy gardeners and I could cling on to their unruly hedge hanging


over their garden wall for grim life till I got my balance. ITV won't be contacting me anytime soon








for
 their Dancing 
on Ice programme. Have you seen wildlife programmes where ducks, penguins and the like are slipping all over?  Are you sure in your mind now how slippy I'm talking? On a scale of one to slippy it's akin to that bit in  Home Alone where cheeky rascal Macauley whatsisface freezes the step and the criminals slip on it big style. That bit of the film makes me LAUGH MY PANTS OFF! Just incase the video clip doesn't load - watch the Home Alone bit here
Only I wasn't laughing now.

Right, now it isn't a very long road at all and not far to my mums. I am not lying when I say a two minute walk took me about 15 - 20 minutes.
Part way down I thought I'd walk on the road as it was *bound* to be less slippy. I gingerly took steps literally MILLIMETRES in length to the safety of the less slippy road......

WRONG! Black ice, was waiting for me. Black Ice, white ice, freezing rain. I do not *hike* it as Madeleine would say.



So I stood, wobbling like a Weeble, thinking what the flipping heck do I do now?? I heard a noise. Carefully turned round to see that

A car was  heading towards me from up the road. I was in the road. In slow motion I tried my bestest to get off the road, somewhat difficult as I was by now walking like Penelope Pitstop running, ie in splits, unsucessfully on the road. How I didn't end up performing that last section of Bolero but ON MY OWN ( damn you Christopher Dean ), laid out flat on the floor, arm outstretched, look of anguish on my face, I'll never know! Still on the road, I slammed into and clung onto someone's parked car hoping they weren't looking out of their window at me!

I thought I'd better get off the road and back onto the pavement. I eased my way round the car
towards the kerb. The pavement has a camber, ( posh word for slope ).  I could not get up it! I tried to let go of the car and put my foot on the smallest incline in the world. My foot moved backwards. I tried the other foot. It too, moved backwards. It was ridiculous !! I was sliding back towards the road. On the plus side I could now moonwalk, something I've never been able to do. I turned sideways and sidestepped up to the top of the pavement using my suitcase as leverage. The summit of the pavement  is probably about three inches higher than the kerb ! Once I came to a stop I stood still for a while , I was actually out of breath and beginning to think I'd have to stay here until April and the thaw.
I texted Lisa.

" Ice rink here, car wheels are not turning, they are just sliding " just as I hit send , the car I'd been *getting out of the way of*  glided past, screeched it's brakes on and gracefully slid and slammed into a parked car!!!

It was like I was in an episode of Carry on Icy Death Inevitable.

I'd made it to the corner of the street trying not to laugh as the owners of the parked car emerged from their house  running, then almost too late realising that SHIT IT IS SLIPPY , as they hit the deck, well driveway.

Then finally, because of the the lovely iron railings on the garden walls of the corner houses, I was able to cling on for dear life and go round the corner. I was taking it a railing at a time. I heard another car come from behind me and I heard a "hello."  I managed to pry my now frozen to the iron railings fingers off so I could wave at my friend in the car  who'd wound down her window. She said she wanted to stop and give me a lift but she couldn't!!

Not because she was in a hurry.
Not because I was literally 100m from my destination.
It was because, she actually couldn't stop!
Her car wheels were not turning, but she glided past, serenely, like a swan on a lake, only narrowly missing the double parked car situation that was going on!

I rounded the corner and then

On my Dad's street the Sun hits the road and there was hardly any ice at all!!
It was really very, very bizarre!!

Lisa arrived and so did the taxi and with that we were off. ( Really, go back and click the link to her side of the story! )

The motorway was for once, eerily empty and it was a quiet, straightforward run.

Till we were drawing up alongside where the motorway splits off for a toll road.

And it's here I will now attempt my Jillsmo esque illustration - though I think I should have just gone ahead and commissioned her instead. Unbelievably, it is more difficult than it looks when one just has a mouse and not a fancy pants drawing pad thingy.

In trying to find a photo to help with my images I have now spent a fascinating TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES looking on this site Interesting shit about motorways ( I am NEVER going to get my
wrapping done ) it's nearly lunchtime!

Anyway here is what happened.....picture one




Please note the LACK of any car within our vicinity on the right of us.

 Then







In the car we were all ( except Harry ) stunned! 


Note my lifelike hair - grey roots, brown hair and old black dye, very sparse because it's been falling out. The driver was amazingly calm ( but only on the outside, he told us later ) and Lisa with the curly hair was a bit cross! Harry just carried on gurgling!
I handed out some mints because I think we needed the sugar!!

The rest of the journey was interspersed with silence and OMGs as we relived what just happened.



We got to the Hotel, quickly decamped and went to meet Harry Mosely's mum, but  I will tell you about that tomorrow because I have WRAPPING to do and have been yakking on the phone for ages , and blogging this story for you.

Its now LONG LONG GONE  MIDDAY!!
Please comment and say hello - have you ever slipped spectacularly? Where is the slippiest place you've ever been?  I am buying some crampons. 


5 comments:

  1. That's - quite simply - one of the most entertaining blogs I've ever read! Haha. You are a nutcase (meant in a nice way). :-)

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  2. I cannot see for tears streaming down my face

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  3. OMG. You are sooooooo funny!!!! I know a near death experience is scary and horrible, but seriously. You should get this published!!!

    No wonder you are having issues getting out of bed!!!!! I see what you mean now by your friendface message! LOL!

    I cant type anything else for laughing too much! xxx

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  4. I'm so glad you escaped a wreck!

    I loved your courtroom illustrations. I must figure out how you did that!

    Belated Merry Christmas; a prosperous New year to you and yours.

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  5. You clearly write blogs in your head even when in the midst of crises. I do that too.
    The illustrations are fab!

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