17th October 2008

17th October 2008.
Oh my love, my darling
You were born too soon
So small, so perfect.
I love(d) you
So so hard, so awful
I held on to your dad
And we cried. I whispered I was
Sorry, over and over.
I need you now
I cry for you now
Four years its been
Still brand new.
It’s hard
So painful
My heart is broken in two,
million pieces
For you, for ever.

We should be five
We’re four, I can’t get past this
Ever.
It hurts so much.
From out of nowhere
it comes,
The speed of it is shocking.
Every time I am slammed
into that brick wall of hurt
It takes my breath
Racking sobs just like
It was yesterday.
The pain is real
The tears crash down
Like my world.
Life goes on
They say it
And time will heal so much
I’m waiting still
They lie, it doesn’t,
I don’t ever think it will.
I remember that night;
Your perfect face
Your perfect hands
Your perfect fingers
Your perfect knees
Just asleep and so small
You looked like your brother
And sister
That’s what we said,
They cried for you
All in my bed. When I was not there.
A mother of three
Two here, one gone
I wish and I wish
It wasn’t so.
The force of my grief
Keeps me awake all night
I replay it over
The midwife’s voice
Is clear.
“Oh Rachel” she said
Mum held my hand
My rock at my side
But I didn’t know you were there…
Or had I known? Deep down, surely
I did. My mind plays these games now
Phantom kicks and flutters
The whole room cried.
Even the nurses.
It was just so final.
I can’t finish this
It will finish me.
The darkest of thoughts in the dark small hours.
I hate it. I hate it.
I can’t carry on,
but I will
I love you forever my angel.
Mummy x